mockingbird

the time has come. the new blog i've been talking about is officially LIVE and i'm so excited. i won't be posting on this blog anymore, but it will stay right here! head on over to my new blog and make sure you follow me on bloglovin'! 

themockingbirdblog.blogspot.com

day 31 / a vivid memory

HO-LY COW. Are you sick of me yet? Cause I'm sick of me. I promise to never again blog every day because I'll admit, it's a little bit annoying. But! I made it to the very end! With the exception of my trip, after this post, I will have successfully blogged every day in May! Some of these topics were really fun, and some really got me thinking. I liked being able to have a prompt like that. Maybe I'll just think of my own prompts and post them whenever I feel like it. We'll see. Anyway... today's topic, the very last one, is to write about a vivid memory, and this one has been on my mind a lot lately. It all started last week when a friend asked me, "when did you know you were in love with Devin?"

I know exactly when I knew.

Devin and I had been dating for about a month or two.We had seen each other every single day since our first date. For the most part, that was just because we wanted to. We loved being together. But then, once we realized we were making quite a streak, we made a bigger effort to never miss a day, which made for a lot of visits at work, and even more late nights. We were both working and going to school full time, and our schedules were often opposites, so a lot our dates were things like math homework or grocery shopping. That way, we could still see each other, and get everything done at the same time.

Most of our nights would be late, usually after I had gotten off work (I was working at Bath and Body Works at the time - thrilling, I know). I would go over to Devin's apartment he shared with 2 other roommates and we would make blueberry pancakes and bacon and drink V8 juice and watch TV. We were both hungry and needed to wind down, so it was the perfect combination.

So we did just that. I had helped Devin pick out a griddle a week or two earlier, and we had used it almost every night since for our pancakes and bacon! Breakfast for dinner was our favorite. We had gotten in the habit of eating dinner pretty late with this, and we still to this day, usually eat dinner between 7:00 and 8:00pm!

When we finished cooking our breakfast for dinner, we loaded up our plates and piled on the syrup and headed straight for the couch, like always. This relationship was still so new, but we had so much chemistry that it truly felt like we had been best friends for years and years. Being around Devin came very naturally for me, and I was comfortable around him from the beginning.

Devin began channel surfing and finally settled on House Hunters: International. I even remember the episode. I think they were in Panama. We leaned over our plates on the coffee table and half-watched while we talked about whatever between bites.

Then I set my plate down, leaned back on the couch, and took in this view of Devin sitting next to me, eating breakfast for dinner at 9:00pm, watching HGTV. And I realized right then that this was the rest of my life. That feelings was so weird and confirming and it just washed over me. It seems like such a small and silly moment. We were just doing our normal routine, like we had done for weeks before. There wasn't anything different about that night, except that feeling. I knew right then that the rest of my life would be spent eating breakfast for dinner, just a little later than acceptable, watching TV shows. With Devin.

And you know what? It's been about two and a half years since that night and not much has changed :)

Viola!

*also, i did have a great picture in mind to share on this post but i cannot find it anywhere... slash... i'm too lazy to really look for it... :) *

day 30 / letting go. or at least... trying to

today's topic is another sticky one. the prompt says, "react to this term: letting go" 

(insert biiiiig exhale here)

so, here's the thing. i had this whooooole other life before i met devin. and it's not something i like to bring up, and it's the main reason why i deleted over a year's worth of posts from the beginning of this blog. i dated someone very seriously for several years and it just ruined me. i mean, it really took a toll on my everything. i came away from those years so emotionally unstable. so mentally sick (i don't mean like evil sick, i mean like my mind had the flu.. haha) i couldn't trust. i had all of these horrible tendencies like jealousy and second guessing everything. i couldn't trust anyone. i had lost all self esteem. this guy had just ripped it all out of my hands. but he did it in such an awful, slimy, snake way. he was so manipulative and controlling and i saw right past it. i was so blind and it was so obvious and i feel like such an idiot about it all now. what a mistake it all was. why didn't i notice? why didn't i see that? he was so good at persuading  and lying and i believed every word he said. he could talk his way out of absolutely anything and he was so scary-good at lying. i watched him lie to everyone else in his life, but always had this sick idea that he was always telling me the truth. because i mattered. right? i was under the impression, at least. even after things ended, it was hard for me to come to terms with all of the truth that came out after the fact. it's still hard. i still struggle with it. it still keeps me up at night. i had endured so many horrible things, without even knowing it. it was just the worst. it ruined me. he was such an awful person to me, and i felt so defeated.

enter devin. and every part of my ruined self was fixed. almost instantly. i became a new person. i was confident again. i was happy. i was thriving. but it was still hard. and those slimy feelings would come back  sometimes in the beginning and i would doubt and i would second guess and i would pull away and i would build these walls and i would hate myself for it because i knew in my heart that i could trust devin and he never once had given me a reason not to, but i couldn't help myself. it was these slimy tendencies. these habits that had formed from all those years of being mistreated and taken advantage of. i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't overcome all the bad that i was left with.

and i'm not saying that i still have this unhealthy attachment to that guy. it's got absolutely nothing to do with him at all. that ended when it ended. the letting go part is about the slime. all the negative stuff it left me with. that rotten feeling it left inside me. the hole. the absolute betrayal.

those years seem so far behind me now. and the life i live now is so different and so happy and those old years, i can hardly remember them. no, really. they are dissolving every day, and i am so, so glad, because it's making it easier. easier to let go. 

so, i wouldn't say i'm there yet. but it gets easier every day. and my dear sweet husband? oh my goodness, does he love me. he gets it. and i never thought he would. i never expected him to, and i understood exactly why he wouldn't. and why he shouldn't have to. i always felt so guilty for having this problem for being so emotionally and mentally unstable and for getting in these ruts sometimes. i called it baggage. but he gets it. he relates to me, with his own similar experiences. he understands and he's patient and he's supportive and he's taken on this challenge of letting go and he's made it ours. and he helps me every day. and he makes it so easy. i could do anything with this man at my side. anything. 

he's helped me gain back so much more confidence. so much more trust. he fixed it :)

letting go isn't an easy thing to do. under any circumstance and for any reason, but when you have someone else on your team, it sure helps. devin, i love you! you are the greatest.

whoooo! that got pretty deep. moving on...!

2012: a review

2012 went by really fast. It was a good year, and a lot happened, but I've got a feeling 2013 will be even better. We have a lot of big plans for this year, and I'm anxious to get started and share more about them soon! Trying to get these photos all in order was a NIGHTMARE so I gave up somewhere between my 4th try and my 3rd diet coke, but I will recap each month at the bottom.

J A N U A R Y :

we took the month of january off, from basically everything. i didn't even blog!

we went shooting with friends

we did a lot of redecorating

devin built a lot of furniture

we went on a ski trip to brian head

sean and kaden had birthdays

F E B R U A R Y :

i quit my job as a nanny and it was one of the saddest days of my life

we did lots of skiing

we got really sick

kyle broke his collarbone when we took him skiing for his birthday

i started working as a legal assistant for a law firm

we spent our first ever time apart (devin went on a backpacking trip with his class at UVU)

M A R C H :

i threw one of my best friends, valeri a baby shower

more skiing

valeri had her baby, a little girl they named Bayli Grey

addison turned 2

A P R I L :

we got iphones

devin started his new job at momentum indoor climbing gym

we traded in the truck (another sad day) for an altima hybird (sad day made better by awesome gas mileage)

M A Y :

we went to joe's valley and did some rock climbing

my cousin nichole got married and we did her photos

devin turned 25

we spent our 1 year anniversary in jackson hole - best trip ever

we did some golfing
mckayla graduated from high school

J U N E :

spent lots of time up tibble fork and AF canyon

my cousin kenzie got married we did her photos

kelli and sean got sealed in the logan temple

the new maple canyon guide book for rock climbing was published, so...

...lots of rock climbing

we golfed

we found out sean and chloe are pregnant (!!!!!)

J U L Y :

i made jam for the first time ever (apricot)

we went on a big backpacking trip in the uinta's with koda and riley

more rock climbing

we golfed some

A U G U S T :

i finally turned 21

i quit my job at myler disability and started working at cascade collision (best job ever)

we went rock climbing with brandon

we did more rock climbing

we said goodbye to the geneva heights 8th ward and our sweet nursery class

we moved to herriman

a little more golfing

kyle performed his first baptism (our cousin, sophia!)

my dad was called as 2nd counselor in a single's ward bishopric

our friends brittany and joe got married (finally! ;)...)

S E P T E M B E R :

we adjusted to / explored herriman

held out for 3 weeks before getting a puppy

cooper consumed our lives, and our camera lenses, apparently (can you blame us?!)

we were in a car accident (no injuries, just to max the mazda!)

O C T O B E R :

we went back to joe's valley for more rock climbing

we went to maple canyon and did some rock climbing

i got an emergency root canal

the wagstaff's moved to vernal and broke our hearts

we spent general conference weekend at strawberry marina with my family

N O V E M B E R :

we hung out with brandon a lot and had several "dog parties"

i cut bangs

we celebrated thanksgiving with both our families

D E C E M B E R :

i baked a lot

we got family photos taken

we celebrated christmas with basically everyone we're related to

we celebrated new year's with kyle, jami and fondue.
kyle got his driver's license

A L S O  I N  2 0 1 2 :

devin grew an awesome beard

ate lots and lots of amazing food (mostly pizza and french fries)

tons of time with those cute babies

lots of slack lining

some visits to cascade springs

lots of fires (it was a hot, dry summer)

we took kayla and kaden on mini-dates

i baked my first ever PIE

tons of cooking

some smashbooking

hostess went out of business (so long, sweet sno-balls)

we spoke in church for the first time

devin sent me flowers

devin saw greg laswell in concert (it was before my 21st birthday and in a 21+ venue)

we saw cory mon play in the pouring rain (still amazing as ever)