day 30 / letting go. or at least... trying to

today's topic is another sticky one. the prompt says, "react to this term: letting go" 

(insert biiiiig exhale here)

so, here's the thing. i had this whooooole other life before i met devin. and it's not something i like to bring up, and it's the main reason why i deleted over a year's worth of posts from the beginning of this blog. i dated someone very seriously for several years and it just ruined me. i mean, it really took a toll on my everything. i came away from those years so emotionally unstable. so mentally sick (i don't mean like evil sick, i mean like my mind had the flu.. haha) i couldn't trust. i had all of these horrible tendencies like jealousy and second guessing everything. i couldn't trust anyone. i had lost all self esteem. this guy had just ripped it all out of my hands. but he did it in such an awful, slimy, snake way. he was so manipulative and controlling and i saw right past it. i was so blind and it was so obvious and i feel like such an idiot about it all now. what a mistake it all was. why didn't i notice? why didn't i see that? he was so good at persuading  and lying and i believed every word he said. he could talk his way out of absolutely anything and he was so scary-good at lying. i watched him lie to everyone else in his life, but always had this sick idea that he was always telling me the truth. because i mattered. right? i was under the impression, at least. even after things ended, it was hard for me to come to terms with all of the truth that came out after the fact. it's still hard. i still struggle with it. it still keeps me up at night. i had endured so many horrible things, without even knowing it. it was just the worst. it ruined me. he was such an awful person to me, and i felt so defeated.

enter devin. and every part of my ruined self was fixed. almost instantly. i became a new person. i was confident again. i was happy. i was thriving. but it was still hard. and those slimy feelings would come back  sometimes in the beginning and i would doubt and i would second guess and i would pull away and i would build these walls and i would hate myself for it because i knew in my heart that i could trust devin and he never once had given me a reason not to, but i couldn't help myself. it was these slimy tendencies. these habits that had formed from all those years of being mistreated and taken advantage of. i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't overcome all the bad that i was left with.

and i'm not saying that i still have this unhealthy attachment to that guy. it's got absolutely nothing to do with him at all. that ended when it ended. the letting go part is about the slime. all the negative stuff it left me with. that rotten feeling it left inside me. the hole. the absolute betrayal.

those years seem so far behind me now. and the life i live now is so different and so happy and those old years, i can hardly remember them. no, really. they are dissolving every day, and i am so, so glad, because it's making it easier. easier to let go. 

so, i wouldn't say i'm there yet. but it gets easier every day. and my dear sweet husband? oh my goodness, does he love me. he gets it. and i never thought he would. i never expected him to, and i understood exactly why he wouldn't. and why he shouldn't have to. i always felt so guilty for having this problem for being so emotionally and mentally unstable and for getting in these ruts sometimes. i called it baggage. but he gets it. he relates to me, with his own similar experiences. he understands and he's patient and he's supportive and he's taken on this challenge of letting go and he's made it ours. and he helps me every day. and he makes it so easy. i could do anything with this man at my side. anything. 

he's helped me gain back so much more confidence. so much more trust. he fixed it :)

letting go isn't an easy thing to do. under any circumstance and for any reason, but when you have someone else on your team, it sure helps. devin, i love you! you are the greatest.

whoooo! that got pretty deep. moving on...!

day 24 / your top 3 worst traits

i'm really not in the mood to take this one too seriously, and i'd also rather not spotlight my flaws so...

1: i'm really horrible at walking in high heels. i'm the kind of girl that you see walking into church in heels and you say to yourself, or probably your friend, "oh honey, if you don't know how to walk in heels, probably just don't wear them." - it takes talent! and i'm just not there. i can also barely make it through 3 hours of church in heels, so i rarely wear them. which is probably why i can't walk in them. maybe i just need some more practice? 

2: i'm really bad at knowing what to say and when to say it. and when not to say it. i should really get a handle on this whole "think before you speak" thing, because i have a tendency to make myself look really dumb sometimes, and worse, can offend people with this habit. it's pretty easy to do when i'm blogging, because i'm a fast typer and tend to ramble, and i also get really sloppy with editing and proof-reading (which you can thank for all my typos and grammatical errors. i was a journalism major once, i swear!). i'm not a mean or bad person and never intend to hurt feelings, but you really can't dodge every bullet, and you definitely can't please everyone, so it happens sometimes. i'm just sure it would happen less if i learned a little more self control.

3: i'm sort of selfish. example one: devin will come home and be all, "hey, i bought some new shorts today because i really needed some." - and he really did. and i will all of the sudden get this really irrational he got to shop, so i should get to shop, too attitude, and i will go overboard. and then i'll justify it and be like but i didn't buy a single thing that on it's own cost more than $10! and i will hear myself making these stupid justifications and i will know how stupid they are, and i will just keeping it going anyway! example two: i really super hate sharing devin. when he has to work a long day, or a saturday? the worst. and i sometimes even go on double dates a little begrudgingly, because i'd rather just have him to myself. that's sort of sweet and not possessive/crazy/scary at all, right? i'm working on it.

bonus awful traits: not photogenic (unphotogenic? photogenicless?), really, obnoxiously irritable / crybaby (a really dangerous and terrible combination) for 4 days each month, not a great cook, gets horrible anxiety about being late to things that don't matter and procrastinates. so.... double whammy. (also add: quotes "the office" and makes "the office" - related jokes regularly even though nobody will get it or understand it.) 

day 22 / a rant

today's topic for the blog every day in may challenge is to let it all out and rant about something.

so... i feel like i've got to be in the right mood to really rant about something. i've gotta be grumpy or annoyed or stressed, and i'm none of those things right now. okay, maybe a little grumpy since it's still early... but i'm just not in the mood to even really think about one thing that i could rant about. so here's a list of things that drive me absolutely crazy.

so i am a receptionist. i sit at the front desk of a body shop. on the counter of my desk is a big bowl of York peppermint patties that I keep stocked for customers. it's really not a big deal, or anything. but what i can't stand is when i am in the middle of a conversation with a customer and they are shoving these things in their mouths. while they're talking to me. grown adults. i get so much more annoyed than i should, but i just feel like adults should be a little more aware. just wait 30 more seconds until we're done talking, and you can have as many mints as you want. thank you.

speed limits. ooooh my goodness. i am such a psycho about speed limits. i drive fast. and most of the time, i drive exactly 9 over the speed limit, because that's basically as fast as you can go without getting pulled over most of time. and i don't mine if other people don't want to drive as fast as me. i don't blame them, they're a lot smarter. but i also drive the exact same roads every single day to and from work. i know the speed limit. so when i get stuck behind someone going 10 under... i lose it. i wouldn't say i ever get road rage. it's not like i tailgate them or honk or flash my lights, but it just drives me absolutely insane. especially on my way home from work. as soon as it's 5:00, i get this inherent need to be home like rightnow. i don't know why this is, but i am all of a sudden in such a huge rush to just be at home. for no reason.

mmmm... that's all i can think about. i'm so preoccupied with our plans for the rest of the week/weekend! there'll be plenty of posts on all that coming soon. i'm sure i'll be playing catch up with this challenge once we're back in town, too! i'll see what i can do...

the things i'm most afraid of

i realize that i could take the opportunity with this blog every day in may topic to address some of my more serious fears. the things that actually keep me up at night, but i'm not really in the mood to get deep, and it's very personal, anyway. that being said, i'd call this post a more light-hearted approach, except that makes me laugh a little since this list of things truly scares me senseless and none of these are things i take very light-heartedly.

the ocean. this sort of sounds silly, and don't get me wrong. i could spend weeks on a beach and be happier than any clam around me. but, i haven't really spent a lot of time on any coast, either. i've been to some california beaches a handful of times, and i totally get what everyone's so happy about. i do. but, it's the ocean itself that gets me nervous. that gorgeous blue water looks pretty black when you're in it. i've watched enough discovery channel to know what's under there. and what's worse? you can't see it! just sitting here thinking about being in open water, not knowing what could be swimming under my toes? i'm not okay with that. sharks? jellyfish? too much. i'm scared of sharks, but fascinated with them from a distance. they'd probably be my favorite thing to look at in an aquarium, but i would never want to face one. especially if i didn't know it was coming. so, don't invite me surfing... also drowning. that's scary too. so, no thanks.

spiders. this is a huge no-brainer. i've made my fear of spiders very evident on this blog (here, here, and here), so nobody should be surprised. i am 99% sure this is legit arachnophobia. i don't even want to talk about it. they are the WORST.

i'm sure there are others, but i can't think of any right now and i've got stuff to do, so we'll just stop here. 

surprise! (but not the good kind)

some time last week, i started have pain in my mouth. you know the kind of pain, when you get like, something sort of big stuck between your teeth? like a piece of steak or those stupid things from popcorn kernels? it was mostly just uncomfortable. BUT... there was nothing stuck between my teeth.

so i took a few ibuprofen and ignored it.

it gradually got worse each day, and after 4 days, it got to the point where i was crying in pain, and it was waking me up at night, and keeping me up. and you know what sucks about mouth pain? there is totally nothing you can do about it. nothing really relieves it or makes you comfortable. you just have to sit there and suffer. and starve.

on day 5, i finally called my sister. it was obvious that something was seriously wrong. before kelli started working as a teacher, she was an endodontist's assistant. endodontists are like dentists, but specialize in root canals. kelli's a genius and retains all kinds of knowledge about everything, so we talked on the phone (by the way, i have a total lisp because of this pain and sound absolutely ridiculous). she asked me a bunch of questions.

the pain had gotten worse with time

it was only on the tooth itself, not any other teeth, and not the gums.

it was keeping me up at night.

ibuprofen wasn't helping.

i was more sensitive than normal to hot and cold, especially cold.

it was extremely sensitive to any amount of pressure (like if i accidentally bit down to hard, i would burst into tears from pain)

she called her old work (Russell Endodontics) and set up an appointment for me for the next day (monday). she was sure it would need a root canal, but you can never tell for sure without an x-ray. surprise! emergency root canal! yay!

so the very next day, i left work early and drove all the way to Kaysville. it took me 45 minutes to get there from Lehi but it was so worth it. They were incredible! Normally, I dread going to the dentist. I have weak enamel (so i've been told by many dentists) and tend to get cavities often. and usually, i don't feel any pain from cavities, so the dental work to get fillings or crowns is the pain.

but i could not have been more excited for that root canal. i hate going to the dentist. i hate shots. but i didn't even care. i just wanted the pain to stop.

as the assistant was getting me ready, she said we needed to take an x-ray and pulled out that giant contraption you're supposed to bite down on. uh... i can't bite down! we got one, extremely blurry x-ray of half of the tooth and i cried after. like a total baby. it was ridiculous.

a few minutes later, Jake Gyllenhaal walks in (no joke. they are totally identical - Jake and Dr. Russell, i mean.) - i was pretty taken back because he looked like he was my age (even though he probably wasn't). when i picture dentists, i picture my childhood dentist, Dr. Lorscheider. I could never tell you what his face looked like, but I can still see a clear image in my head of his long nose hairs and bright blue-green eyes. and i still remember being weirded out that he didn't wear gloves (his hands were always cold)

anyway, Dr. Gyllenhaal, I mean, Russell, says, "you've got an abscess!" (it's obvious that he loves what he does, because he said that with genuine enthusiasm) which is exactly what i didn't want to hear. i had heard all of kelli's assisting horror stories and i was about to become one of them! i think that alone got me going because as soon as he laid me back to get me numb, i started crying again as i tried to explain that i have had a hard time in the past getting numb. he finished my sentence (I assume he gets that often), and assured me that wouldn't be a problem and offered me nitrous oxide, which i gladly took. that pig nose relaxed me almost immediately. (on a side note - if being on nitrous oxide is what being high feels like, then i would be horrible at it, because all i wanted to do was fall asleep. i was so relaxed). and as soon as he gave me 2 huge shots of Novocain, i was totally numb which was a huge relief. i couldn't feel the pain in my tooth anymore! i sat there for about 10 minutes, totally numb, breathing in the gas and watching king of queens on the TV on the ceiling, as happy as ever. it had been a week since i had been able to relax like that! 

the root canal was a breeze. i was in the chair for less than half an hour, and felt absolutely nothing. from the dental language i could translate, they got a lot of pus out (he was very surprised that i wasn't swollen, and said if i had waited any longer to come in, i would have been), and my root or tooth or whatever was infected (also what i didn't want to hear. and also? it must have been a lot of pus, because i could smell it. and it was really gross. that's gross. sorry.). so it was a pretty bad situation.

because i had an infection, all he could do was medicate it and put something temporary in until it went away, and i am scheduled to go back in a few weeks to finish. he put me on penicillin for the infection and gave me instructions to sleep with my head at least 1 foot above my heart (which is basically sitting up. totally uncomfortable.) and told me to ice my jaw line as much as i could.

i was so discouraged when he said it would be days before the pain went away because of the infection and i would just have to give the antibiotics time to work into my system, so when i got home, and the numbing wore off, i was back to miserable.

the next morning, i called the office and told them so, and they prescribed me Lortab which has helped a lot, but makes me nauseous. i'm pretty sure though, considering the circumstances, that i'm pretty lucky. it could have gotten a lot worse if i had waited any longer to see the doctor, and compared to the pain i was in before, i'm doing much better. i'm also completely thrilled with my experience at the endodontist - minus the whole x-ray thing. but really. the doctor was awesome and did a great job, and it was so fast. i was expecting it to be a huge long process (but now that i think about it, maybe it's supposed to be and i only went half way because of my infection. either way. it wasn't bad at all!) 

today was my first day back at work and it was mostly miserable. i've spent the last 3 and a half days laying down and icing my face, and i couldn't do either of those things at work, so it was pretty hard. my mouth has gone from being in pain to just feeling stiff and sore, so i think that's an improvement. when people ask how i feel i tell them i feel better, but not good. it makes the most sense. i can't wait to eat regular food again.

also? it snowed. 

and cooper loves it. 

some updates and something serious/traumatic that you'll probably laugh at

i feel like i begin every post by talking about how busy we are. it's true, we are crazy busy. all the time. and starting out like this really isn't much different, but at least i'm getting somewhere. sort of.

busy, yes. but exciting? not so much. updates? a few, sure.

first of all, mountain view corridor has opened up. which means i just shaved 10 minutes off my commute while simultaneously cutting 134th (hellish construction zone), bangerter highway, and the freeway all out of the equation. boom. my new route includes a really cool stretch of misty, stinky fields, historic lehi main street, and a very conveniently located mcdonald's (for those mornings. you know the ones i'm talking about.) oh. and the entire population of deer in the state of utah, it seems. 

second of all, i've done a buttload of shopping for work lately, which means that for the first time in my whole entire life, i feel like a part of the fashionable half of society. it's actually probably less than half, but that's not the point. i'm buying cute stuff, guys. not just what's on sale. and not just comfortable vintage tees from old navy in every color. like, pencils skirts, scalloped lace tops and cropped trousers. they're adorable. 0

third of all, remember that time fearless felix jumped? FROM SPACE?! i watched that video at least 6 times. and read every article on it i could find. i could go on and on about how cool i think that is. but seriously. over 800 miles per hour? free falling? 4 minutes is a long time to have your stomach in your throat. just sayin'. the part that gets me most is his graceful landing. no big deal, i just fell 24 miles, from space, going 800 miles per hour, breaking the sound barrier. he acts like it ain't no thing. coolest ever. it makes me feel patriotic. even though he's from austria.

fourth of all, we've really been enjoying the crispy fall-ness going on around here. lots of walks, lots of boots wearing. even some pumpkin patch visiting. some neighbor visiting (by the way, this last sunday in church? we made like 80 new friends. it was the greatest thing. i have never been somewhere so welcoming. it was a blast). my favorite part is making hot chocolate to take to work with me every morning. mmm.

okay. now it's time to get serious. i had a very traumatic experience last week, and i finally think i'm ready to talk about it. i can sort of laugh at it now, but it's still terrifying. 

one night, after devin had left for work, i took cooper out the back door to go to the bathroom. as i was corralling him back inside, i noticed something out of the ordinary on the side of the house next to our bedroom door that leads to the patio. i thought it was probably a leaf, because it was big, and orange. i took a step closer to get a better look, and noticed immediately that it was in fact not a leaf, but a spider. 

cue hysterical meltdown.

cooper and i ran inside and i opened the blinds on the door so i could see it (because if you take your eyes off a spider, it disappears and haunts you forever.) i started hyperventilating and kept gripping at my chest and wringing my hands. i was screaming (sort of like creepy torturous moaning, really), shaking, and sobbing uncontrollably. i was having a panic attack.

i did what i always do when i don't know what to do: i called my mom. 

she called me brave. she didn't laugh or make fun of me, but she was overly supportive and it started to bug me (in the state i was in). before i called her, i had tried devin 4 times on his cell phone and left a message with the girl at the front desk at his work to have him call his wife. 

the only way i could describe this thing to my mom was, "it looks like a small orange tarantula with a pumpkin on it's back" - she thought that was pretty funny, but i'm serious. that's what it looked like! 

while i was on the phone with her, devin called me back. in that moment, i realized that yes, it was a very scary spider, no doubt, but i think my meltdown was the result of my realization that i had to kill it. me. there was nobody else to do it. i had to kill the monster. (i like the word monster better than the word spider. i actually like every word better than i like the word spider.)

devin talked me into finding the ortho home defense spider spray that we had and trying to poison it. i was so worried that it would jump at me. i don't know why. it was HUGE. i was also convinced that "pumpkin on its back" was an egg sack full of little pumpkin babies. and that would be a huge problem.

of course, i couldn't get the sprayer to work on the poison, so i grabbed an empty condiment bottle we usually use for royal icing to frost cookies, and filled it with poison and proceeded to drench the thing. 3 times. thank goodness it was slow, and nothing came out of it's pumpkin back. once it stopped moving, i stared for another minute, just to be sure, and curled up on the couch, for the entire rest of the night. cooper thought i had gone insane, i'm sure.

i texted kelli, who used to work as an office manager for a pest control company. they did a lot of work with spiders, and part of kelli's job was researching them for the company's blog. i described it to her and she told me what she thought it was. i decided to believe her, rather than google it. after i had calmed down, the next day, i googled it, though, and she was right on.

i'm going to save us all from it's gruesome description, but if you want to feel my pain, google "cat-faced spider" (but i'm warning you, you don't.) it was big. bigger than any spider i'd seen in real life. 

when devin got home, i showed him where it was. (luckily, where i had left it), and walked promptly inside as he got rid of it. he proceeded to spray the entire perimeter of the house with poison. he knows me so well. 

this incident alone is cause enough for me to believe that i am genuinely arachnophobic. not just scared of spiders, but have an actual fear of them. 

and i know have a tendency to exaggerate.. everything.. but this is not one of those things. 

kelli told me these monsters are common in the fall, but seeing another is unlikely. i'm sure if i saw another one, ever in my life, that i would be less... hysterical. but i think the panic attack was the scariest part. i had never had one like that before. i had absolutely no control of my screaming and sobbing. UGH. i'm so glad it's over. 

but seriously. if i see another one... we're moving. 

been a long day

it's been one of those days where cooper has pushed all the wrong buttons.
i came home sick from work. i think it's the beginning of the flu.
devin is working the closing shift tonight.

needless to say, this song has been on repeat all night:

such a gorgeous song.

and my new favorite artist.

wearing cupcakes

we're driving down the freeway, going a breezy 65. getting ready to exit, so we move over one lane. shortly after, we notice the car a few hundred yards in front of us is stopped, so we slow down and start trying to switch lanes again to move around and continue on our way. 

i'm getting impatient. we are already almost 10 minutes late to the family party. 

this is the fourth night in a row we've made this drive, so i'm sort of hating the freeway right now.

and then my husband says

"we're about to get hit"

within about .5 seconds, i hear squealing tires and smell burning rubber and start looking around a little nervously.

devin throws his hands in the air and lets go of the steering wheel.

CRASH. 

Max (the Mazda) has minimal damage. and it's a pretty ironic thing that i work for an awesome collision repair shop. everything will be fine and nobody was hurt. 

but did I mention I had a huge tray of dessert on my lap at the time?

cupcakes EVERYWHERE.

that's all, folks.

don't be surprised by the fact that we're still crazy busy. and by we i mean devin. his busyness makes me feel busy, though. it seems like nothing has slowed down at all since we moved. he's had 2 opening shifts this week (which means he's at the gym by 6am, which means we're both up a little after 4am...) and he's started school. and still working full time. and covering other people's butts when they're whiny and he finally had an evening off (we must've jinxed it.)

luckily, we were able to get out last night and go to dinner. we were both pretty excited when we realized how deserted the gateway is on a wednesday night. and that we can take a quick drive up to SLC any night of the week for dinner. this is a new. and it's great. 

other things... 

>pretty little liars finale? i'm shocked. freakin' Toby. 

>work goes by so fast. still. it's so awesome.

>i finally understand the sonic happy hour hype. thanks to our office manager getting us all lemon berries yesterday. yum.

>everybody needs to stop having babies. at least until i get my puppy. then you can carry on.

>i discovered last night that Herriman has more than 1 main road with business on it. less boonie than i thought. touche. 

>the things i've come to miss most about our old place are target and our yellow bedroom wall.

i kept thinking today was friday. which is the worst. this weekend we don't have many big plans. thanks goodness. we are so excited to go to our new ward on sunday. i can't wait to meet some people! i hope there are other young couples like us without kids. we need Herriman friends! plus devin needs a guy friend that's close by so he can watch all the games (since we're sans cable). 

we've got a pretty giant ikea trip in our future, and once that's done, i'll be able to finish up all the decorating and organizing, and i can finally post pictures of the finished house. in the mean time, i'm putting together the details for our housewarming party, hopefully in the next 2 weeks or so. i'm so excited to have our friends come up and see! i have missed them, our friends. 

i'm cursed.

let's go back to last summer: remember our spider problem? yeah. it was bad. then winter came, and we only saw, like 2. it was wonderful.

and then april came, and i got so excited for the warm weather.

until i remembered... spider season. and my excitement for summer went right out the window.

and since that spider problem, i've gotten into the habit of scanning all surfaces when i walk into any room in our house, especially the bathroom. tends to be the hot spot.

i do it every single time. without fail. no matter how long i'll be in the bathroom. even if i'm just grabbing some cotton balls or a squirt of lotion. i will scan.

so this morning, when i go to shower, my spidey senses are tingling. (it's a real thing. i've developed this ability over many many years of over-worrying about spiders being near me.) i knew there would be a spider, and sure enough, i giant, silver dollar sized, dark brown monster with really long legs is right in the tub.

like it was waiting for me.

devin is still asleep. i hate waking him up. so i don't.

i put on my big girl panties, grab the spectracide, and drown the thing. literally. in poison. i was coughing myself.

spiders are fast. especially when they're being chased by poison.

i hate that. so much.

i turn on the water and let him go down the drain.... for several minutes... (you never know when those things are faking their own deaths.. i've witnessed them crawl back up the drain before!)

and then shower. very, very quickly. while constantly scanning.

usually, the rule is, that you see one, and you're good for awhile. but i still feel nervous and curl up my toes and move faster than usual. always.

then i grab my towel and dry off and step on the bath mat. hang my towel back up, turn around (more scanning, out of habit.)

and there is an identical spider right in the tub behind me. where i was just standing.

so the question is... did the spider i drowned in poison and rinsed down the drain for several minutes come back from the dead? or did his twin brother just fall out of the towel i just wiped over my entire body?

it's freak-out time.

i'm officially done in the bathroom, and not stepping foot in there again. make up? nope. blowdryer? no way, jose. good thing i wasn't going to work, right? because there was no way i was going to be able to look decent and not go in the bathroom...

i drown that guy as well, but leave him in the tub as evidence for devin. because he usually doesn't take me seriously when i describe the watermelon sized spiders i'm seeing all the time. like he thinks i'm exaggerating or something...

head back into the bedroom, toes still curled up in fetal position, and start getting dressed while telling half-asleep devin what had just happened.

he doesn't care. which is good. because it's his job to kill them when he's awake anyway. i'm glad he doesn't freak out - because then we'd be in real trouble and i'd have to hire a spider squisher to follow me around at all times to kill every spider in sight (for instance, just a few nights ago, there was a huge, huge, huge spider (this one was like the palm of my hand - tiny body, just super long legs. like a black daddy long leg [why i feel the need to describe what they look like to you, i don't know] on the wall outside our house. not even near our door. not even on the same wall as our door. and i made devin kill it. even though he was carrying armfuls of stuff. what a trooper that man is, to be my husband!)

i climb in bed again and stare at the ceiling. wide awake. on full alert for more attacks.

20 minutes go by and devin asks if i'm okay.

"i can't stop thinking about those damn spiders" (which was funny, because we had moved far from spiders in our conversation...)

i think he's finally realizing that i am legitimately not okay when it comes to spiders. especially big ones. that come out of nowhere. and are in my personal space. and could have possibly been on me at one point just minutes ago.

needless to say, i drenched every window and door in our house with specrtacide this morning, have been scanning the house all day, and have been jumping at the smallest things: my hair tickling my neck, a piece of lint falling out the laundry i'm folding, a dark-ish spot on our multi-colored carpet...

i'm such a baby.

i'm starting to think it would be worth it to pay for someone to come out and spray our house inside and out. 

literally, the only bright side to this situation.