the hundred year week

Oooh my goodness. It has been forever. Last night Devin told me that he keeps going to my blog to see if I'd written anything and was surprised I'd gone this long without a post! Well let me tell you why... 

The last week literally seemed like one hundred years. Are you ready for a sob story? Because you're going to get one. Like, a big fat one. Except, now I'm at the point where I can laugh about it all, thank goodness.

Here's how it went: well, actually no. Let's back up a little bit. 

Remember how... recently (I don't remember how long ago this was) - cooper had eaten an entire prescription? Spoiler alert: it was birth control. A brand new, only one pill had been taken, $90 birth control prescription to be exact. I was mostly worried about my dog and what could happen to him (which is nothing, in case your dog ever gets a hold of your pills, they will be just fine. learned that the scary way...), but I was also flaming angry at the little stinker for wasting my $90 and all my crazy pills. 

Except that this frustrating situation ended up being a massive blessing in disguise. You see, about two and a half years ago, I started the pill. I was about to get married, so it's what you do, you know. Whatever. I went to a Women's Center and I loved the Doctor, but over those 2 years of being their patient, I never saw or spoke to them again. I would call with a question and be told "we'll have a nurse call you back" -- never once got a call back. LAME. I also went through all hell and high water to get my prescription refilled after my two years were up. It was such a huge pain, SO when cooper ate those pills, I took it as an opportunity to 1: find a new doctor (I already had one in mind that everyone loves) and 2: get some cheaper pills because NINETY DOLLARS is just too much. WAY too much. 

So I did just that. I had to wait about 2 weeks to get an appointment with my new doctor (who I love and is awesome), but when I did, I told her that I had only been to a gynecologist the one time, and had only had simple exams. Do you know what that means? SURPRISE pap smear. And I know that's probably WAY TOO TMI, but it's all part of the story. I wasn't too bothered by that.. procedure... it wasn't bad at all. While she was at it? We did a breast exam. Why not?! 

Except here's the bad part: she found a lump. Cue my heart sinking in my chest while simultaneously not really being able to process everything but still being surprisingly coherent. She asked me a bunch of questions and we left on this weird "it's probably nothing, but i'm sending an order to the hospital and you're going to get an ultrasound AAASSSSAAAAPPP" note. 

That was last Tuesday. And that was day 1 of the 100 year week.

I spent the entire rest of the week maybe only 50% mentally present in anything. I didn't exactly know what to do or how to feel. I mean, I was just told that I have this major issue, that might not be a major issue, but we don't know anything yet, so "don't freak out it's probably nothing". Which is NOT too comforting. 

I did a lot of research on breast cancer, which only scared me more. I worried a lot. I cried a lot. I repeated a million times over in my head "it's probably nothing, it's probably nothing". 

And then Tuesday finally came. Yesterday. At this point, I was almost excited for the appointment, because I wanted answers that badly. I got a pretty good one, too! The radiologist said that from what they can see on the ultrasound, the lump just seemed to be dense tissue really close to the surface. He said that it wasn't anything alarming at all, but to pay attention and keep an eye on it, because there is always potential for that to change. 

CLEAR! I was so happy. So relieved. I mean, there's still a small chance that in the future, I could have a problem (that will most likely not be breast cancer, thank goodness), but for right now, I have nothing to worry about! 

I posted something on instagram about it and was so surprised by the response from my friends (we had kept this between just us, our parents, and a few other family members during those hundred years) - a lot of them had had a similar experience! i had no idea how common it was, and it made me feel a little silly for taking it so seriously and being SO worried (i was such a wreck, guys. like, major.) - but it IS serious, so still. but anyway. 

that's where i've been. 

i have SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON now that i'm over being half-katie/half-nervoussobbinganxious-wreck, so probably expect wayyyy too many posts in the next few days after i can get some photos uploaded from my phone and camera. 

FWEW. 

day 30 / letting go. or at least... trying to

today's topic is another sticky one. the prompt says, "react to this term: letting go" 

(insert biiiiig exhale here)

so, here's the thing. i had this whooooole other life before i met devin. and it's not something i like to bring up, and it's the main reason why i deleted over a year's worth of posts from the beginning of this blog. i dated someone very seriously for several years and it just ruined me. i mean, it really took a toll on my everything. i came away from those years so emotionally unstable. so mentally sick (i don't mean like evil sick, i mean like my mind had the flu.. haha) i couldn't trust. i had all of these horrible tendencies like jealousy and second guessing everything. i couldn't trust anyone. i had lost all self esteem. this guy had just ripped it all out of my hands. but he did it in such an awful, slimy, snake way. he was so manipulative and controlling and i saw right past it. i was so blind and it was so obvious and i feel like such an idiot about it all now. what a mistake it all was. why didn't i notice? why didn't i see that? he was so good at persuading  and lying and i believed every word he said. he could talk his way out of absolutely anything and he was so scary-good at lying. i watched him lie to everyone else in his life, but always had this sick idea that he was always telling me the truth. because i mattered. right? i was under the impression, at least. even after things ended, it was hard for me to come to terms with all of the truth that came out after the fact. it's still hard. i still struggle with it. it still keeps me up at night. i had endured so many horrible things, without even knowing it. it was just the worst. it ruined me. he was such an awful person to me, and i felt so defeated.

enter devin. and every part of my ruined self was fixed. almost instantly. i became a new person. i was confident again. i was happy. i was thriving. but it was still hard. and those slimy feelings would come back  sometimes in the beginning and i would doubt and i would second guess and i would pull away and i would build these walls and i would hate myself for it because i knew in my heart that i could trust devin and he never once had given me a reason not to, but i couldn't help myself. it was these slimy tendencies. these habits that had formed from all those years of being mistreated and taken advantage of. i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't overcome all the bad that i was left with.

and i'm not saying that i still have this unhealthy attachment to that guy. it's got absolutely nothing to do with him at all. that ended when it ended. the letting go part is about the slime. all the negative stuff it left me with. that rotten feeling it left inside me. the hole. the absolute betrayal.

those years seem so far behind me now. and the life i live now is so different and so happy and those old years, i can hardly remember them. no, really. they are dissolving every day, and i am so, so glad, because it's making it easier. easier to let go. 

so, i wouldn't say i'm there yet. but it gets easier every day. and my dear sweet husband? oh my goodness, does he love me. he gets it. and i never thought he would. i never expected him to, and i understood exactly why he wouldn't. and why he shouldn't have to. i always felt so guilty for having this problem for being so emotionally and mentally unstable and for getting in these ruts sometimes. i called it baggage. but he gets it. he relates to me, with his own similar experiences. he understands and he's patient and he's supportive and he's taken on this challenge of letting go and he's made it ours. and he helps me every day. and he makes it so easy. i could do anything with this man at my side. anything. 

he's helped me gain back so much more confidence. so much more trust. he fixed it :)

letting go isn't an easy thing to do. under any circumstance and for any reason, but when you have someone else on your team, it sure helps. devin, i love you! you are the greatest.

whoooo! that got pretty deep. moving on...!

day 25 / something someone said that i'll never forget

do you remember the time i told you about how in college, i tripped over nothing and broke my foot? i got an aversion fracture and was in a boot for like, 10 weeks. it was awful, because i only lived about a block from campus, and walked to school every day. it was a little uphill, and that was never a problem until i was confined to crutches and a bulky boot for transportation! so it took me about twice as long to get to school, and i looked twice as embarrassing as usual. 

anyway. my roommates tied a little orange bow out of ribbon on my boot for me, and i left it there because it was cute and it made me feel better. i remember walking to class one day, being totally late because it's taking me forever to hobble up the sidewalk and i pass this kid who looked sort of nerdy and quiet and he just says to me, real quiet, "nice bow" and keeps walking.

made my day. 

i don't even know why. and i'm not even sure why i remember it so well. i am almost positive that i would recognize him if i ever saw him again and i would tell him this story and he would probably just get really big eyes and be all, "okay, crazy..." and we'd just end there. 

anyway... 

*these are so lame and boring because i'm zooming right through them and i am sick. i apologize!*

day 24 / your top 3 worst traits

i'm really not in the mood to take this one too seriously, and i'd also rather not spotlight my flaws so...

1: i'm really horrible at walking in high heels. i'm the kind of girl that you see walking into church in heels and you say to yourself, or probably your friend, "oh honey, if you don't know how to walk in heels, probably just don't wear them." - it takes talent! and i'm just not there. i can also barely make it through 3 hours of church in heels, so i rarely wear them. which is probably why i can't walk in them. maybe i just need some more practice? 

2: i'm really bad at knowing what to say and when to say it. and when not to say it. i should really get a handle on this whole "think before you speak" thing, because i have a tendency to make myself look really dumb sometimes, and worse, can offend people with this habit. it's pretty easy to do when i'm blogging, because i'm a fast typer and tend to ramble, and i also get really sloppy with editing and proof-reading (which you can thank for all my typos and grammatical errors. i was a journalism major once, i swear!). i'm not a mean or bad person and never intend to hurt feelings, but you really can't dodge every bullet, and you definitely can't please everyone, so it happens sometimes. i'm just sure it would happen less if i learned a little more self control.

3: i'm sort of selfish. example one: devin will come home and be all, "hey, i bought some new shorts today because i really needed some." - and he really did. and i will all of the sudden get this really irrational he got to shop, so i should get to shop, too attitude, and i will go overboard. and then i'll justify it and be like but i didn't buy a single thing that on it's own cost more than $10! and i will hear myself making these stupid justifications and i will know how stupid they are, and i will just keeping it going anyway! example two: i really super hate sharing devin. when he has to work a long day, or a saturday? the worst. and i sometimes even go on double dates a little begrudgingly, because i'd rather just have him to myself. that's sort of sweet and not possessive/crazy/scary at all, right? i'm working on it.

bonus awful traits: not photogenic (unphotogenic? photogenicless?), really, obnoxiously irritable / crybaby (a really dangerous and terrible combination) for 4 days each month, not a great cook, gets horrible anxiety about being late to things that don't matter and procrastinates. so.... double whammy. (also add: quotes "the office" and makes "the office" - related jokes regularly even though nobody will get it or understand it.) 

day 23 / things i've learned that school won't teach me

the list of life lessons i've learned outside of school is so ridiculously long, but i'm really sick and my poor sunburned skin could probably serve as a stove if we were in a bind, and my brain is totally, equally fried, so here are the first three i can think of:

budgeting / okay, so maybe they did teach us this. but i'm pretty sure my finance class was in 10th grade, which was a solid 4 or 5 years (too lazy to actually do that math right now) before any of what i learned in that class would have actually been beneficial to my adult life. and when it came to school, especially high school, i only retained that knowledge long enough to test on it, and forgot it almost immediately after. i was pretty talented that way. budgeting it hard. and it sucks.

grown-up language / and by this i mean, it would have been much more helpful for me to have a class in high school dedicated solely to learning how to translate/interpret/understand things like filing taxes, everything to do with insurance, and other grown-up, adult stuff like that, then to engrave in my brain the quadratic formula, put to the tune of pop goes the weasel, okay? 

the hard stuff / i don't think i could have learned in school how to deal with the hard, real-life stuff, but it would have been helpful. i'm talking about things like tragedy and death. betrayal and heart break. all that sticky stuff that's hard to talk about and hard to avoid. i also would have liked to learn to slow down. i was always in such a rush to grow up and be older and do those adult things that i now sometimes dread. it also would have been nice to at least have had a hint about devin coming and being amazing and being my husband beforehand. that would have made so many things so much easier.

i'd add a photo, just to make this a little less boring, but instead, i will just revert back to the first sentence of this post instead. i'm just really determined to finish this challenge, even though i missed a bunch of days while we were in boulder!

a self portrait

day 17 - wow! this thing is making may fly by! today's blog every day in may topic is to share a favorite photo of yourself and why you like it.

i'm not a very photogenic person. other girls can do these really natural, gorgeous soft smiles, or really stunning straight faces... i usually just look angry. or cold. or uncomfortable. i'm horrible at it! haha sometimes when i have a good hair day or i like my make up, i'll do my best to document it (because it happens next to never), and that's what this photo is. from a few weeks ago. i feel sort of vain and weird talking about a picture of myself, but that's okay. i think this one turned out okay?! haha

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it's finally the weekend! i am swimming in stress right now, trying to get everything together for devin's party tomorrow. i've got a lot to do! i'm even utilizing my lunch break to run some of these errands. it's going to be a busy weekend but i cant wait for the party. i've put a lot of work into it and i hope everything goes smoothly! all devin wanted for his birthday was all of his friends in the same place, so that's my goal here! i can't wait to see and catch up with all of our friends and enjoy some delicious food! (this menu is like, man-birthday party genius!) hopefully i will be able to catch my breath by sunday, because we're having my family up that day for dinner to celebrate devin's and my dad's birthdays and then next weekend we're off for our anniversary! fwew! things are getting exciting around here again :)

my lot in life

today's topic for the blog every day in may challenge is to talk about something difficult about my lot in life and why it's hard for me.

I..... don't like this topic.
And I don't know how I feel about sharing those things on my blog.
I keep them to myself for a reason.
I haven't already talked about them on here for a reason.
My personal life remains pretty personal, even though it sometimes seems like I am an open book, tell-all.
But those struggles and trials and hardships that keep me up at night and make me cry the big, ugly tears?
Those are things I take on with my husband.
With my family.
With myself.
I don't want to talk about it here.
Not because I want this blog to be a strictly positive place, because it's not.
I think that's dishonest, really.
And I don't want anyone to look at my blog and think my life is really that good, because it's not.
And I don't think I portray it that way.
At least I try not to.
I do my best to share the real life things, although it's much easier to talk about the happy stuff.
I'm sure you know that.
But that's not the point.
I don't want to share those things because they're the things closest to my heart.
Tucked away more carefully than anything else in my mind.
The things that make me fragile.
I'm not talking about the hard, little daily stuff, because I do share that.
All the time.
But those are different.
Those aren't the struggles and trials and hardships that keep me up at night or make me cry the big, ugly tears.
Maybe if a time came that I felt right about sharing those things, I would.
And for some of those things, I'm sure that will happen.
But now is not that time.
It's delicate.
It's personal.
It's a big identifier for who I am and the way I live my life.
Things that very, very few people may know.
And that's all for a reason.
Now is not that time.

what i miss

the blog every day in my challenge topic for today is to talk about the things i miss. i got a little carried away looking through old pictures, and realize this list is pretty big! luckily, i can look forward to doing most of this stuff again soon!

 

camping with my dad. he is such an outdoorsman, and when he is out there in his element, he is the life of the party. i love being with my dad outside. all of my favorite childhood memories are camping, because of this guy. plus, for some reason, his cooking is WAY better when we're camping :)

 

this trip! last year for our anniversary, devin surprised me and took us to jackon hole and we spent 1 day horseback riding. it was the funnest afternoon and i can't wait to go back!

 

climbing in joe's! trips to joe's valley have very quickly become my favorite type of climbing trip, and i hope we spend a lot of time down there this summer.

 

grey's river. our favorite place in the whole entire world. we're going back in july and it can't come fast enough.

 

wearing my wedding ring! i still have about a week until i can put it back on ever since this happened

 

ski season! i know it just barely ended, but i miss it already. we had so much fun skiing this year and were able to get out a lot. i'm so glad it's something we both enjoy doing

 

nannying. this sweet girl and her brother changed my life. i learned so, so much from them, and being their nanny was the best job i've ever had. i think about them every day and i wish i could have been their nanny for longer!

 

camping and adventures with this guy. devin is a lot like my dad in that he sort of becomes a different person when we get outside. he is so much happier. you know he's exactly where he wants to be. i love that.

 

our truck! i miss this truck so bad. i'm glad we don't have it anymore, but i still miss it! he had so much fun with this thing!

  

this guy as a baby. he's only 9 months, so he's technically still a puppy, but he's almost full grown. we watched old videos of him as a puppy a few nights ago and i miss it so bad! he wasn't this small for very long, and i'd love to have baby cooper back for just a couple of minutes!

and lastly... unrelated, but important: happy mother's day to the most incredible woman. i am forever impressed by my mom. every quality she has is so admirable and i feel so blessed to have been raised by her. i am so proud to be her daughter! as i've gotten older, and i'm less of an annoying child, and less of a rebellious teenager, we have become so close. she gives the greatest advice, she is always willing to listen, and she's taught me everything i know! i love you, mom! happy mother's day!

my new hair, two weeks late. and in case you were wondering, yes i still hate taking photos of myself.

it's been about two weeks since i dyed my hair - for the first time ever - and am just now getting around to posting it! this is monumental: 1. because i dyed my hair, and 2. because i took pictures of myself to document it

it's only taken me so long because i usually wear my hair up or pulled back (because i avoid washing my hair... cough cough), especially my bangs, since i'm growing them out from my sporadic straight-across-bangs decision after thanksgiving last year, so they are looking pretty gross right now, but a few mornings, they just worked. i was amazed! at that point, i knew it just had to be documented, because a hair day like this just wasn't going to happen again. now... just because i took these photos in a bathroom, with stupid facial expressions, and with my phone... doesn't mean i'm awful, right? well, it sort of does. you should have seen how many pictures i took just to get a decent one i wasn't embarrassed about. nonetheless... here it is! new hair! i love it. it's very summer-y, and i think i will go a little lighter, and maybe more ombre/melty in a month or two. these pictures are seriously awful, and i didn't use filters on all but the first one (which you can't even really see the color in, no matter what, it was just one of the least-embarrassing ones), because you couldn't see how blonde it is! i still feel like these pictures don't really show it - it was the lighting in there - but i love love love it. it's just what i wanted!

what i do

today's blog every day in may challenge topic is if you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, "what do you do?"

i consider myself a "social climber" - i have come out of the phase where i was climbing to get better. it didn't last long, and now i just climb because i think it's fun. i still enjoy challenging myself if i'm in the right mood, but climbing is a huge mental game for me and when i was constantly forcing myself to be better and do harder routes, i was mentally losing. and it was awful. it is so, so hard when you let the mental side of climbing get in the way of the physical side, and the physical part of climbing is the greatest thing. i love it. it is so much fun even though i'm not crazy about heights and i absolutely hate falling, i love the way i feel when i climb.

i create things i think are beautiful - my etsy shop is probably old news by now, but i opened the shop to fuel my need to create. with only 700 square feet of space, you can only imagine that i've already covered as much space as i could with things i think are beautiful without looking like a hoarder, so the only way to continue was to go out. the prints and banners i make are really, really simple. my prints are black and white and my banners are very minimal...istic (i just made that up). because that's the way that i like them to be. they aren't necessarily meant to stand on their own, but to add to and compliment other things around them. they aren't loud and distracting. the fill spaces that need filling and sit quietly and look pretty. just the way i wanted them to. i make a lot of other things, too. they just aren't for sale!

i bake from the box. i love to bake, but rarely do i find the time to make anything from scratch. there are enough variations, though, that i can make a box of betty crocker cake mix look like a million bucks, and it's easy and fun. i enjoy being able to experience the creative outlet that comes with baking, and also keep it simple and fast by doing things only semi-homemade. i like it that way.

i am mama to my dog. i am so obsessed with cooper. what else is new? being a dog owner is a full time job. especially when he's sick. sometimes, it's as hard as having a kid looks like, and other times, he's just around, doing his own thing. i love that dog so crazy much. so much of what devin and i do together in the time we have to spend is centered around cooper and what he would be able to do with us and the places he is able to go, which results in a lot of outdoor meals at cafes, walks, hikes, runs, and trips to the dog park. having a dog is the greatest thing.

i go to the gym. i am so not a gym nut. like, not even kind of. but i am so glad that i've included going to the gym in my routine. i'm proud of myself for keeping up with it. i haven't been very dramatic with it and have tried to reinvent myself or anything, but it's so awesome to know that i am doing my body good, getting healthier, getting stronger, looking better, and all while relieving stress and sometimes anger, and also earning a good night's rest. i love that.

i avoid laundry. i am that person that waits for the laundry basket to overflow before i start laundry. and then, doing the loads is easy. especially if i'm home during the day and can just rotate the loads between the washer and dryer. but then, the folding. oh, how i hate folding laundry. i avoid it at all costs. but it's awful because i also hate rummaging through a basket of clean clothes just to find a matching sock, so it's a really vicious cycle. and laundry is the one thing in life that will never end.

i pretend to enjoy running. devin and i decided that this summer, we really wanted to get into trail running. and for some reason in my mind, that sounded much more doable than normal running. and it sort of is. i mean, it's pretty, my dog can come, we do it together, and we're in the mountains that we love. but it's still running. and i still hate it. and i'm still bad at it. so, we're working on this.

i bookmark things on babygap.com. because baby stuff is the cutest, and i'm excited to be a mom some day. and how cute would that stuff look on my nieces and nephews?! sometimes i ask devin if we can just buy some baby stuff now, because we'll need it eventually. and he thinks that i'm a little crazy. and i can't say he's wrong, really, because could you imagine some very-not-pregnant lady stockpiling baby stuff even though she wasn't pregnant and showed no signs of that happening in the near future? that would be crazy, right? (right?)

i sing in the car. as far as i'm concerned, my car is practically madison square garden. because if i'm in the right mood, i'm all about singing in the car. i have even made a playlist of songs i especially like to sing along to (almost completely sara bareilles). this only happens when i'm the only one in the car. even though it doesn't really matter, because i sing really quietly (i'm a choir voice through and through. not a thread of soloist).

i sleep whenever i can. being in the car makes me tired, so i fall asleep if we spend more than 30 minutes in the car and i'm not excited or distracted. it happens more often at night. i have had a habit of being ready to be in bed around 9:00 lately, and i have no problem with it. we spent a little extra money before we got married and bought a really nice mattress and i will forever be glad that we did because that thing is amazing. it's so, so comfortable and i sleep like a baby. i also have the ability to sleep in until whenever i want. like, noon sometimes even. i love sleeping. naps, however, are not my thing. they make me feel worse.

i play assistant to the photographer. i've really love being able to go on shoots with devin whenever he is hired for family photos, engagements, or even weddings. it's so fun to watch him work. i love weddings. i love little kids. it's so much fun to brainstorm ideas with him on poses and angles and to share that love he has for photography and creating a quality image. it's part of the reason why i've started experimenting with photography myself.

the story of my life in 250 words or less

*today, i discovered the beautiful blog "Story Of My Life" and she's created this "Blog every day in May" challenge, as a way to feed our hunger as bloggers for worthwhile content (and this rings so true over here in my interweb corner seeing as how i blogged TWICE in one day this week about my puppy's colon...) anyway... i wanted to join in! i think this will result in quite the post-overload this month, seeing as how i'll probably have other happenings to write about as well, but we'll just see how it goes. i'm also two days behind since i didn't get a post up yesterday, so you'll get a triple dose of me today! so here we go... my life story. in 250 words or less...

My hometown is Orem, UT. I lived in the same house my entire life and grew up watching my father play softball and camping almost every weekend. I grew up with dogs. I danced for 12 years as a girl. Junior high was awkward and awful, just like it's supposed to be. I dated seriously through high school, but I wish I wouldn't have. I think I missed out on a lot of the high school experience, and it always ended badly anyway. Shortly after graduation, I moved to St. George and attended Dixie State College on a full ride scholarship for journalism. I studied communication and was an editor for the campus newspaper just a few weeks into my freshman year. I became a prodigy of sorts for the staff. I learned that I hated journalism. The career wasn't for me, and it was then that I knew my dream job was Mama. I lost all my friends in college. It changed my life. I moved back to Orem a year later and started my life over. I met Devin at a wedding that October. Now we've been married for almost 2 years. Last summer, we decided we needed a big change, so after both getting new jobs, we moved to Herriman and we love it. We got a puppy shortly after, and we love him a lot. Dreaming of my husband's graduation day, buying a house, and starting a family. I've never been happier. Life is sweet. 

249 words! Whoa!

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other stuff: 

so, on wednesday, i went to a bridal shower for one of my co-workers and it was so much fun! there aren't many girls at cascade, but we have a good time anyway, and all these guys have awesome wives, too! i made kristy a print (duh. haha) but I did it a little different from what I usually sell in my shop, and now I'm just exploding with ideas! it turned out so cute and she loved it, i'm so glad! 

also on wednesday... i noticed a weird sore on my ring finger. i have had sores on there before, and they make my finger swell a little, so i didn't really think anything of it and headed off to the shower. when i got back home that night, i couldn't get my ring off. my finger was so swollen and red and it hurt pretty bad. so i googled it, duh. i tried windex. i tried pam. i tried soap. i tried lotion. i tried ice. i tried elevating my hand. i had devin yank on it for awhile while i cried. this thing wasn't budging and it was hurting pretty bad. my finger was swollen rock hard! i decided to just go to sleep and check on it throughout the night to make sure it was okay. the swelling got worse in the morning and so did the sores. i told devin i was really nervous and worried, but it wasn't cutting off circulation. at work, i do a lot on the computer, and typing and using my hands a lot was agitating it and making it worse. the guys at work were giving me their own suggestions to help get it off, and it still wasn't happening. i finally called the doctor and set up an appointment. i felt like the nurses didn't understand what was happening and just told me to go get the ring cut off. having the ring on my finger wasn't the problem, it was the redness and swelling and sores that were not okay! where my ring was at on my finger wasn't swollen, just right above it, near the knuckle. i finally got in at 4:15 and when the nurse looked at my finger, she got me really concerned. she kept saying, "wow, that's very inflamed". I didn't want to have to get my ring cut off - or my finger! when the doctor came in, he said the same thing. he stabbed me with a needle and took a culture of the blood where the swelling was. he said it may be an allergic reaction, but i've had the ring for 2 years, and i've been using the same jewelry cleaner, too. he said it may be irritation from moisture, which i guess makes sense, but not really. he kept trying to tug it off with just ky jelly and i told him there's no way it would work. he finally brought in some umbilical tape, which looks like what they tie on your arm when they take blood, sort of like a rubber band. he wrapped it around my finger really tight and waited for it to turn blue. he was cutting off the circulation on purpose, but it hurt and it made me really dizzy. once my finger was blue (which is so gross to look at!), he unwrapped it really fast and covered it in more ky jelly and then just twisted and pulled until the ring came off. it hurt so bad! i was not expecting that! but the ring came off and i was so happy! he gave me a prescription for steroid cream for the inflammation and sent me home. today it looks a lot better, still swollen and still has the rash-y allergic reaction looking sores, and it feels like my finger is broken, but at least i didn't have to get my ring cut off! waiting to hear the result of the culture but man, it's a weird week for medical issues in our family! 

wednesdays; if i close my eyes for too long, i'll surely fall asleep

by 10am today, my head was still droopy and my eyes were still heavy. i lay in bed with devin hours before, willing my body sick, so i wouldn't have to get out of bed. it's amazing how quickly i can come up with a list of excuses that would render me unable to go into the office when i want a few more hours of sleep. and oh, that snugly dog of mine, with his chin propped on my stomach, and his eyes half-open. he is expert with those big, long sighs. he looks just how i feel. so completely tired, and so very comfortable. isn't it funny how sick you start to feel once you've started wishing you were sick so you could stay in bed all day? because, bleh. i do. i had a small adrenaline rush as i started planning some details for devin's birthday next month, and now i am back to half-asleep at noon-thirty. and it's not even like i have any reason to be this tired. i'd just rather take today much slower. i told devin this morning as we laid there that i would rather fold laundry than go to work today. which is really saying something, because laundry is my very least favorite thing. and seeing as how there are literally FIVE loads of laundry sprawled across my living room floor, waiting to be folded, as we speak, I was really saying something there. i would have so happily stayed home and returned those clothes to their drawers and closets, folded and hung. but here i am, at my desk. on a slow wednesday afternoon, thinking things like wow, making it past hump day really IS a feat! because, really. it is. wednesdays are hard. wednesdays should be saturdays. i have had a recurring thought over the past few months that i truly believe the entire world should just all come together and start taking fridays off, too. because 2 days off out of 7 just never seems to be enough for us. i certainly wouldn't mind an extra sunday. even if businesses shut down for 1 extra day! we would all get by, wouldn't we? isn't that a good idea? tell me you agree. if we start a petition, i'll turn it in to Kid President. I'm almost positive he'd agree. and if anyone can inspire the world, it's him. 

catch-all post

other random photos from lately that don't have a place: 

i get by with a little help from my friends

these past few days have been emotionally exhausting. i don't want to get into the details, but it has been a challenge. i have found that it's in these moments where i feel like i have surely failed that it is made clear to me what really matters in my life and who it is that i can truly count on. 

i'm so thankful for understanding coworkers. i had a conversation with a customer yesterday who was just awful. i had never felt so disrespected, and i expected the shop full of men to tell me to get over it toughen up. i am so grateful to have 20 men in my shop who all feel like protective older brothers. they are supportive and always have my back. they really have become family to me. without them, i would never be able to enjoy my job.

i am thankful for my father, who took care to notice that devin was feeling a little off in class this morning, and took time out of his busy schedule to talk to him and make him feel validated. i'm so thankful for the relationship i have with my dad and the friendship we have developed as i have matured. i am so grateful for the lessons he has taught me and the advice he so readily gives. i'm so thankful for the relationship he has built with my husband. it means the world to me that my dad and husband respect each other and have very quickly become true friends. 

i'm so thankful for thoughtful friends and family who have taken a minute to make sure i'm okay. to remind me they are here, and to tell me they love me. a text message is such a tiny thing, but makes a huge difference in my day, and i received so many sweet thoughts yesterday and today.

i am most thankful for my fearless husband. he truly is my rock. i am so glad we have a strong marriage and are able to face things together. he makes everything easier and so fully takes on the role of my other half. he is so incredible and does so, so much - i want to be more like him. 

this isn't the end of the world. it's not the end of anything. our problems seem so tiny to me in the scheme of things, but that doesn't mean we don't feel stressed and overwhelmed and scared and vulnerable. i am so confident in our ability to work together, and it has been reaffirmed to me time after time that what we are doing is right. it's okay. and it's not supposed to be easy. and it will get better. so don't freak out, guys. we are good. i have almost started to relish in our trials, because i love love love coming out on top. and we always do. i love how much stronger we get, and how much closer we become, and how much clearer we can see when we do the right thing and overcome our struggles. i love feeling the weight of a challenge lifted from my shoulders and the relief that comes with knowing it's over. it is worth it to me to learn those lessons and make those changes, because it only makes us better.

my go to's

i'm definitely not by any means an expert, or even that knowledgeable about beauty products, but i enjoy reading what people use and what works for them, and i love trying out new stuff. this is a list of my very most essential go-to beauty products that i can always count on and use almost daily.

1. Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in "Cherish" - smells delicious, i love the color, it goes on great and truly stains your lips, so it lasts for hours. I'm not quite confident enough (yet?) to sport a bright red lip and be totally comfortable with it, but this color is noticeable while still subtle enough that I can stay in my comfort zone. 

2. Jergen's Natural Glow gradual tanning lotion - while I get really sick of the smell of this lotion, I think it works great. I can get a noticeable tan in only 2-3 uses and I think it looks natural (as long as you know how to apply tanning lotion and can avoid streaks and splotches). I buy this almost every year around this time, as my jeans and long pants make their way to the back of the closet, along with all my tights, so I can show off my legs without looking scary-pasty, before I've had the chance to lay the sun for a few hours.

3. C.O. Bigelow's Vitamin Boost Toner - I discovered this stuff while working at Bath and Body Works, and they've since stopped selling it, but I've continued to buy it on the Bigelow website because I love it so much. It smells amazing and can be applied before or after make-up. It wasn't until I started using C.O. Bigelow's skin care line that I started seeing permanent changes to my skin, and I will never turn back! Devin and I also both tend to use it when we get sunburned on our faces. It is very relieving and the vitamins help heal the burn quickly. 

4. Bare Minerals. I bought the starter kit a few years ago (which, if you're going to start using this makeup, definitely buy the kit. It's super discounted and includes all the brushes, bronzer, mineral vail, brush shampoo, and foundation. It's the best option for getting into the line) and will probably never use another makeup for as long as I live. They have so many foundation colors that once you find a match, it's totally invisible on your skin. It's so light, you can't even tell you're wearing make up and I think the coverage is awesome. I never thought I would get that from a powder, but this stuff works! It's a little pricey, but you only have to buy it ever few months, instead of every few weeks, and it's good for your skin! I feel like this is another product that helped my get permanent results with clear skin.

5. Love and Beauty nail polish - this is the Forever 21 brand nail polish and i'm absolutely addicted to it. It's not the highest quality nail polish, but I've never been able to justify spending money on this stuff, and these bottles are only $2.80! They always have tons of colors. More than half of my nail polish collection (which is massive by the way) is Love and Beauty.

6. L'Oreal Studio Secrets Magic Skin Beautifier BB Cream - I have only been using this stuff for about 2 weeks. Before, I had been using the Garnier BB Cream and I really loved it. It covered well, it smelled good, but I always had to put quite a bit of powder over it because it made me look oily, no matter how little I had put on, and I usually avoided already-oily spots anyway. The L'Oreal brand is a weird texture and goes on white until it warms to your skin, but I think the coverage is better and it goes on very matte. I wish they had a few more tones, because neither the light or the medium shades match my skin very well, and mixing them would be a huge hassle, but I love it enough to just make it work! I can use this product by itself, with a little mascara and feel just fine, without putting on any other makeup.

7. Great Lash Mascara. I used to think this stuff was a joke and really cheap and for little teenagers, but turns out it's one of the best mascaras ever! It's cheap, it comes in every shade, and I get longer, fuller, non-clumping lashes with this then I have with any other mascara (and I've tried the lot of them!) I'm sure I'd be happier with a department store brand option like Clinique, but you'll never see me spending that kind of money. My first choice will probably always be eyelash extensions, but the cost and maintenance turn me off. I think Great Lash is an awesome option. I like that it's light and unscented, too.

8. Bath and Body Works "Secret Wonderland" lotion - I worked at Bath and Body Works for about a year 2 years ago and am just now running out of lotions, candles and other smelly things. I tried every lotion that store released for that year (which I bet was at least 100) and this is still my favorite. I'm also a huge fan of Dark Kiss. I love the formula of this lotion because the smell isn't overwhelming and it gives me exactly the amount of moisture I want. I'm really OCD about the way my hands feel and I always have lotion with me because of it. I don't feel like it leaves me skin oily or with a residue. $10 for lotion is pretty steep, so I tend to use it just as hand lotion. 

9. Victoria's Secret "Tease" perfume - my favorite smell in the world. I had sort of been looking for a scent I could wear forever that was mine. I had been rotating Bath and Body Works favorites for awhile, but I wanted something different and a little more serious. I haven't splurged on the actual perfume yet, and just have the body mist, which doesn't last as long as I'd like it to, but this smell, man. It's dang good.

10. Vaseline - Good old vaseline! I use this for EVERYTHING. Literally. I put it on my eyelashes to help lengthen them before mascara. I put it on my cheeks for a little glow. I put it in my eyebrows sometimes even! I put it on my elbows when they are dry. I put it on my lips over some concealer instead of buying nude lipstick. I use it on my cuticles. It does it all. Literally. I even use it in my hair as styling wax when I'm in a pinch. 

11. Tresemme Dry Shampoo - I haven't tried a different brand of dry shampoo because I've been good with this one! I can go about 3-4 days without washing my hair with the help of this magic stuff, and it's a life-saver on camping trips. It smells really strong, and you have to get some practice with applying it without giving yourself grey spots, but it works like a charm. 

12. Vaseline Cocoa Butter lotion - This is my favorite body lotion. I use lotion after every shower and sometimes before bed. I have a giant bottle of it at work, even. I love the smell and it's the perfect moisture. A basic lotion has to be on a list like this! I've tried other brands' cocoa butter lotions and I don't like them nearly as much as Vaseline's. 

There you have it! I'm not a big spender when it comes to beauty products. I like it to be simple, do it's job, and smell good, and all these products do just that! Hopefully this is helpful and let me know if you have any of these and love or hate them, let me know if you try them, and let me know if you have better suggestions! Every product on this list is under $10 with the exception of the bare minerals (which is about $30 for foundation). 

awkward and awesome thursday

*a blog series started by my fave, sydney p.

awkward:

- the fact that i drank 64 ounces of water and went to the bathroom to pee a total of 8 times today all between the ours of 9am and 1pm. at work. where i am the only female in the entire shop.

- yesterday when i parked directly under a telephone pole and came out to find my car polka-dotted, very densely, in bird poop. the nasty kind.

- losing my license the week i get it and relying on my 6 month temporary one until it expired... which was last week.

- i'm just gonna come out and say it: having my period several days before i even star my placebo pills. what kind of twisted messed up trick are you trying to pull here, mother nature?! cut it out!

- every single time someone new meets cooper: "aw. she's so cute! how old is she?!" or "aw. she's so cute! what kind of dog is she?!" cute things must just always be girls. i thought his brown collar was pretty masculine. he does have a pretty girly whimper, though...

awesome:

- my almost 3 year old niece thinks tiki punch is actually pronounced "sneaky punch"

- getting in and out of the DMV in 15 minutes (Thursday afternoons, people!), new, unexpired temporary license in hand (woohoo!)

- catered work meetings (i love you, 5 star barbecue)

- what i start being when i get sad and stop being sad. (true story.) (i love how i met your mother) (okay. that was super lame. won't happen again, i swear.)

- 3 good hair days in a row, and getting the hang of putting effort into my daily make up routine, rather than throw a few shades of stuff on my face until i look less like a monster.

- husband's test scores this semester. muah! i love you, you little genius, you.

be kind

it was this morning when i found myself waking up on the wrong side of the bed, dragging out the minutes until i absolutely had to get up, or i would go to work looking like ke$ha. i had very clearly woken up on the wrong side. so it's not like i have anything to be grumpy about today. and it was sort of out my hands anyway. i mean, it's not like i consciously woke up this way. in fact, i wasn't even conscious when that decision was made. i was barely conscious when i got out of the bed... you get the point. begrudgingly, i somehow made my way to work after inhaling a few spoonfuls of chocolate chex and kissing husband goodbye. at the office, i did my usual opening routine, doing my best to make it obvious to the man waiting in his car outside that yes, i am here and no, i'm not going to open the door until 8:00. when we actually open. so you can just sit there and practice your patience while you stare at me. i mean, at least make these few minutes of waiting useful, sir. and then, once the morning had slowed down and i had caught up on all my work, i did my bored routine: check email, organize schedule book, read ksl articles online. and that is when i came across an article that was completely irrelevant to me in pretty much every way, but had the best advice i've ever seen written in there right between it's weird mental person metaphors and countless typos (gotta love that about ksl!). all it said was this:

You can be kind regardless of anything. Anything.

i mean, it really is that simple. isn't it? so i'm probably going to let the grumpy take it's course, but i'm not going to be mean about it.

twentysix | eleven

Big news! After about a year and lots of hard work, I have finally opened an etsy shop! I am really excited about it, and feel like it's been pretty well received so far. I have a lot of ideas and plenty more to add to the shop over the weekend, hopefully. It has been so much fun to design my own products and work with my husband, as well. He has been showing me the ropes in taking pictures with his fancy camera and editing with photoshop - I'm still a beginner! So far, this shop is everything I wanted it to be, and it has turned out better then I thought it would! I am so grateful for all the help I have had while getting everything together, and all of the support from my family and friends I've had over the last few weeks! Go ahead and visit my shop! There's more to come - trust me!

 

it's been a good day

I feel like a lot of my good days lately are the result of feeling truly content with where I am in my life. It's been an ongoing struggle since forever, so when I finally feel like I'm right where I need to be, yes, it's a good day.

Maybe it's a little silly, but ever since that beautiful baby boy was born and I officially became an aunt x4, I've been very grateful and humbled and things just seem more important. That little Benny has brought our whole family a lot of blessings. We are all so glad he is here safe and healthy, and that he's as happy and beautiful as we had hoped. Getting a glimpse of motherhood, and just how precious those tiny humans are makes me realize how important life is. And how important it is for me to live my life the right way, right now. I'm not quite ready to me a mama yet, but watching my brother and sister in law figure out parenting and holding that sweet little Blue sure gets me excited about it.

My feelings of contentment usually come in the moments that I'm not doing anything but watching funny sitcoms on the couch with my husband and snugly, sleepy dog, eating brownies and ice cream. I'm glad it can be that simple, and this probably sounds even sillier, because I know, I know. Cooper is a dog. But, sometimes, people say puppies are like babies. And then sometimes I will compare my dog to my friends' kids and I sound and feel ridiculous, but he's as much a part of our little family as any child ever will be, and gosh darn it, I love that little guy. He's the greatest dog, and always so sweet. He makes being a dog mama pretty easy, and maybe it gives me an idea of what an actual baby will be like, in some ways. But I love it. I love spending our Sunday afternoon in the wind and snow with numb toes, just because cooper's in the middle of a major wrestling match with the german short hair at the dog park, and if we throw the ball just a few more times, I'm sure he'll be worn out and sleep while we get things done around the house. And I love tripping over him a hundred times a day, because he wants to be wherever I am. And I love sharing a blanket and a piece of toast with him. He's our little buddy, and honestly? One of the best friends I've ever had. He makes our life pretty grand over. here.

And I love that there is this wonderful man that goes out into the world each day, and he thinks about me. He works and lives a life I don't see much of, but he always comes back to me. He comes home to me. I love that. I love that sweet man I married more than anything in the world and I'm not sure any of the greatness that's been going on lately would be half as enjoyable without him around to share it with. We've made a pretty happy life for ourselves and I wouldn't trade it for a second. So, yes. It's been a good day. (The fact that it's a Monday aside...)

twenty | five

**small confession: i wrote this post a few days ago during a slow afternoon at work, and am just now getting around to posting. busy, busy!**

my dear little sister tagged me to post 25 things you maybe didn't already know about me. and you, dear little sister, must not know my blog very well, because i've got a whole tab with these things already! AND even thought I just did this in that instagram plague, and even though i've shared them in said tab, i will comply, firstly, because i am having a dull afternoon at work, secondly, because maybe i enjoy reading little known things about other people, and i like thinking about these things about myself and i'm also a little vain sometimes and enjoy writing about myself, and lastly, because it's my blog and i can cry join weird blog tag games if i want to. i won't "tag" anybody though. but if you want to join in you can say i tagged you. because i'll want to read it if you do. okay anyway... here we go:

1. i sincerely love my job. i've been here for 6 months and time has gone by so fast. i worked as a legal assistant for about this long, and if felt like i had been imprisoned for years and every single day dragged. at this job, time moves so fast. i feel so productive, i work with amazing people and i love every bit of it. i'll be here forever. i just with my title was something more important-sounding than "receptionist" because i do a whoooole lot. or maybe i just always had the wrong idea about what receptionist really meant. i'm a busy-bee.

2. my favorite movie is "The Town", which is strange because it's a crime/drama/thriller and my first choice for movies is always romantic comedy. always. but i love it. Ben Affleck is the trifecta of genius for this film.

3. i'm pretty sure i've had at least one cavity on every single tooth. i've been told i have "weak enamel". i also hate flossing. i'll be 30 years old with dentures, i swear. 

4. i'm 21 and a half and have yet to dye my hair, but plan to some time this year.

5. i stopped going to school the semester before devin and i got engaged. i'm working full time, so is he, and he is going to school full time as well. sometimes i feel guilty or judged for not getting a degree or furthering my education, but my ultimate goal is to be supermom. i feel a little old fashioned, but there is nothing in the world that interests me more than raising a family. 

6. i danced for 12 years, which seems like a lot and sounds impressive, but it was from ages 3-15, so i wasn't very talented. i think about dancing again sometimes though.

7. i like typing. my typing speed averages 94 words per minute.

8. my partner and i were the #1 JV doubles team in tennis my senior year of high school, but we never won a match. we weren't good, but it was a lot of fun to play.

9. i discovered earlier this week that i have classically conditioned myself to fall asleep to an episode of the office (or how i met your mother) and i can't fall asleep without it. (we were updating our apple tv and it was taking forever so we just decided to go to sleep without watching anything and were both tossing and turning past midnight. we turned the tv back on and noticed the update was finished, turned on an episode, and it worked like a charm. i was so tired the next day though.)

10. i wish i could sing like sara bareilles. i think she has the prettiest voice.

11. i am a diet coke convert, but it probably only took me 64oz to become completely addicted.

12. because of the work i did as a legal assistant, i know how to read and interpret medical records and shorthand

13. i didn't know what asprin was for until i married my husband. now i prefer it over advil.

14. my favorite kind of ice cream is soft-serve.

15. i have an obsessive need to keep my car volume and temperature on even numbers. never, ever odd.

16. i'm also pretty OCD about locking my car. if i don't hear it honk (it honks when it locks) twice, i'm sure it's not locked enough...

17. the greatest thing i ever did was marry my sweet husband. the second greatest thing i ever did was move out of utah valley with him.

18. i secretly wish i was an outfit post - worthy blogger. and dresser. because i seriously suck at dressing myself. i wear virtually the same thing ever day. i wouldn't say i'm not stylish, i'm just not broad enough. i'm not risky enough. i don't really go out of my comfort zone with clothes. i wear what's comfortable and looks good. i could probably find a gold mine in my closet if i tried harder though... maybe 2013 will include outfit posts if i get brave? and if i suck up enough courage to convince my photographer husband to have an awkward little photoshoot with me. 

19. #18 was sparked by the fact that i've spent my entire afternoon at work going through daybook blog archives... sydney's the cutest ever.

20. i cut my bangs just after thanksgiving (2 months ago) and i'm already growing them back out. it was fun for awhile, but i'm done. ha!

21. i drink a cup of hot chocolate every single morning.

22. i prefer camping over staying in hotels most of the time.

23. i want to write a book. i have no idea what i want to write about, but i love writing. i want to publish it!

24. i've got a massive weakness for forever 21 jewelry and nail polish. it's never-ending. so cheap. and so cute. and so easily broken.

25. i would rather have diet coke on tap than in the can or bottle. it's fresher. and better.