day 30 / letting go. or at least... trying to

today's topic is another sticky one. the prompt says, "react to this term: letting go" 

(insert biiiiig exhale here)

so, here's the thing. i had this whooooole other life before i met devin. and it's not something i like to bring up, and it's the main reason why i deleted over a year's worth of posts from the beginning of this blog. i dated someone very seriously for several years and it just ruined me. i mean, it really took a toll on my everything. i came away from those years so emotionally unstable. so mentally sick (i don't mean like evil sick, i mean like my mind had the flu.. haha) i couldn't trust. i had all of these horrible tendencies like jealousy and second guessing everything. i couldn't trust anyone. i had lost all self esteem. this guy had just ripped it all out of my hands. but he did it in such an awful, slimy, snake way. he was so manipulative and controlling and i saw right past it. i was so blind and it was so obvious and i feel like such an idiot about it all now. what a mistake it all was. why didn't i notice? why didn't i see that? he was so good at persuading  and lying and i believed every word he said. he could talk his way out of absolutely anything and he was so scary-good at lying. i watched him lie to everyone else in his life, but always had this sick idea that he was always telling me the truth. because i mattered. right? i was under the impression, at least. even after things ended, it was hard for me to come to terms with all of the truth that came out after the fact. it's still hard. i still struggle with it. it still keeps me up at night. i had endured so many horrible things, without even knowing it. it was just the worst. it ruined me. he was such an awful person to me, and i felt so defeated.

enter devin. and every part of my ruined self was fixed. almost instantly. i became a new person. i was confident again. i was happy. i was thriving. but it was still hard. and those slimy feelings would come back  sometimes in the beginning and i would doubt and i would second guess and i would pull away and i would build these walls and i would hate myself for it because i knew in my heart that i could trust devin and he never once had given me a reason not to, but i couldn't help myself. it was these slimy tendencies. these habits that had formed from all those years of being mistreated and taken advantage of. i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't overcome all the bad that i was left with.

and i'm not saying that i still have this unhealthy attachment to that guy. it's got absolutely nothing to do with him at all. that ended when it ended. the letting go part is about the slime. all the negative stuff it left me with. that rotten feeling it left inside me. the hole. the absolute betrayal.

those years seem so far behind me now. and the life i live now is so different and so happy and those old years, i can hardly remember them. no, really. they are dissolving every day, and i am so, so glad, because it's making it easier. easier to let go. 

so, i wouldn't say i'm there yet. but it gets easier every day. and my dear sweet husband? oh my goodness, does he love me. he gets it. and i never thought he would. i never expected him to, and i understood exactly why he wouldn't. and why he shouldn't have to. i always felt so guilty for having this problem for being so emotionally and mentally unstable and for getting in these ruts sometimes. i called it baggage. but he gets it. he relates to me, with his own similar experiences. he understands and he's patient and he's supportive and he's taken on this challenge of letting go and he's made it ours. and he helps me every day. and he makes it so easy. i could do anything with this man at my side. anything. 

he's helped me gain back so much more confidence. so much more trust. he fixed it :)

letting go isn't an easy thing to do. under any circumstance and for any reason, but when you have someone else on your team, it sure helps. devin, i love you! you are the greatest.

whoooo! that got pretty deep. moving on...!

day 23 / things i've learned that school won't teach me

the list of life lessons i've learned outside of school is so ridiculously long, but i'm really sick and my poor sunburned skin could probably serve as a stove if we were in a bind, and my brain is totally, equally fried, so here are the first three i can think of:

budgeting / okay, so maybe they did teach us this. but i'm pretty sure my finance class was in 10th grade, which was a solid 4 or 5 years (too lazy to actually do that math right now) before any of what i learned in that class would have actually been beneficial to my adult life. and when it came to school, especially high school, i only retained that knowledge long enough to test on it, and forgot it almost immediately after. i was pretty talented that way. budgeting it hard. and it sucks.

grown-up language / and by this i mean, it would have been much more helpful for me to have a class in high school dedicated solely to learning how to translate/interpret/understand things like filing taxes, everything to do with insurance, and other grown-up, adult stuff like that, then to engrave in my brain the quadratic formula, put to the tune of pop goes the weasel, okay? 

the hard stuff / i don't think i could have learned in school how to deal with the hard, real-life stuff, but it would have been helpful. i'm talking about things like tragedy and death. betrayal and heart break. all that sticky stuff that's hard to talk about and hard to avoid. i also would have liked to learn to slow down. i was always in such a rush to grow up and be older and do those adult things that i now sometimes dread. it also would have been nice to at least have had a hint about devin coming and being amazing and being my husband beforehand. that would have made so many things so much easier.

i'd add a photo, just to make this a little less boring, but instead, i will just revert back to the first sentence of this post instead. i'm just really determined to finish this challenge, even though i missed a bunch of days while we were in boulder!

my lot in life

today's topic for the blog every day in may challenge is to talk about something difficult about my lot in life and why it's hard for me.

I..... don't like this topic.
And I don't know how I feel about sharing those things on my blog.
I keep them to myself for a reason.
I haven't already talked about them on here for a reason.
My personal life remains pretty personal, even though it sometimes seems like I am an open book, tell-all.
But those struggles and trials and hardships that keep me up at night and make me cry the big, ugly tears?
Those are things I take on with my husband.
With my family.
With myself.
I don't want to talk about it here.
Not because I want this blog to be a strictly positive place, because it's not.
I think that's dishonest, really.
And I don't want anyone to look at my blog and think my life is really that good, because it's not.
And I don't think I portray it that way.
At least I try not to.
I do my best to share the real life things, although it's much easier to talk about the happy stuff.
I'm sure you know that.
But that's not the point.
I don't want to share those things because they're the things closest to my heart.
Tucked away more carefully than anything else in my mind.
The things that make me fragile.
I'm not talking about the hard, little daily stuff, because I do share that.
All the time.
But those are different.
Those aren't the struggles and trials and hardships that keep me up at night or make me cry the big, ugly tears.
Maybe if a time came that I felt right about sharing those things, I would.
And for some of those things, I'm sure that will happen.
But now is not that time.
It's delicate.
It's personal.
It's a big identifier for who I am and the way I live my life.
Things that very, very few people may know.
And that's all for a reason.
Now is not that time.

a piece of advice

sharing a word of advice for today's blog every day in may topic... and i found some good ones that speak for themselves:

i think both of these really speak volumes to me and what i'm dealing with lately. i get frustrated with being a beginner. with being young or younger than everyone around me (but seriously. all of my friends, most of my family members, they are all older than me. and it's hard to fit in with that sometimes). i get annoyed when i don't pick something up quickly (ahem... photography...) but i just need to remember that i'm still learning. and that's how everyone has to start. everyone who is good at something was a beginner at it once. they were at this stage at one point, too. and as for working hard and being nice to people? i think this is some solid advice! these two small things could impact your day, your week, your life in ways you probably never thought they could or would. i think working hard and being nice is something that my husband is excellent at, and i'm always trying to be better because when you marry someone that awesome, you've got big shoes to fill as their wife, you know? people expect me to be just as awesome! so i try.

*i promise i'm taking this challenge seriously. i haven't missed a day yet! i just haven't really had the time to sit down and really think about these topics, but i'll try to get better as the month goes on and i hopefully get a chance to catch my breath!

i get by with a little help from my friends

these past few days have been emotionally exhausting. i don't want to get into the details, but it has been a challenge. i have found that it's in these moments where i feel like i have surely failed that it is made clear to me what really matters in my life and who it is that i can truly count on. 

i'm so thankful for understanding coworkers. i had a conversation with a customer yesterday who was just awful. i had never felt so disrespected, and i expected the shop full of men to tell me to get over it toughen up. i am so grateful to have 20 men in my shop who all feel like protective older brothers. they are supportive and always have my back. they really have become family to me. without them, i would never be able to enjoy my job.

i am thankful for my father, who took care to notice that devin was feeling a little off in class this morning, and took time out of his busy schedule to talk to him and make him feel validated. i'm so thankful for the relationship i have with my dad and the friendship we have developed as i have matured. i am so grateful for the lessons he has taught me and the advice he so readily gives. i'm so thankful for the relationship he has built with my husband. it means the world to me that my dad and husband respect each other and have very quickly become true friends. 

i'm so thankful for thoughtful friends and family who have taken a minute to make sure i'm okay. to remind me they are here, and to tell me they love me. a text message is such a tiny thing, but makes a huge difference in my day, and i received so many sweet thoughts yesterday and today.

i am most thankful for my fearless husband. he truly is my rock. i am so glad we have a strong marriage and are able to face things together. he makes everything easier and so fully takes on the role of my other half. he is so incredible and does so, so much - i want to be more like him. 

this isn't the end of the world. it's not the end of anything. our problems seem so tiny to me in the scheme of things, but that doesn't mean we don't feel stressed and overwhelmed and scared and vulnerable. i am so confident in our ability to work together, and it has been reaffirmed to me time after time that what we are doing is right. it's okay. and it's not supposed to be easy. and it will get better. so don't freak out, guys. we are good. i have almost started to relish in our trials, because i love love love coming out on top. and we always do. i love how much stronger we get, and how much closer we become, and how much clearer we can see when we do the right thing and overcome our struggles. i love feeling the weight of a challenge lifted from my shoulders and the relief that comes with knowing it's over. it is worth it to me to learn those lessons and make those changes, because it only makes us better.

be kind

it was this morning when i found myself waking up on the wrong side of the bed, dragging out the minutes until i absolutely had to get up, or i would go to work looking like ke$ha. i had very clearly woken up on the wrong side. so it's not like i have anything to be grumpy about today. and it was sort of out my hands anyway. i mean, it's not like i consciously woke up this way. in fact, i wasn't even conscious when that decision was made. i was barely conscious when i got out of the bed... you get the point. begrudgingly, i somehow made my way to work after inhaling a few spoonfuls of chocolate chex and kissing husband goodbye. at the office, i did my usual opening routine, doing my best to make it obvious to the man waiting in his car outside that yes, i am here and no, i'm not going to open the door until 8:00. when we actually open. so you can just sit there and practice your patience while you stare at me. i mean, at least make these few minutes of waiting useful, sir. and then, once the morning had slowed down and i had caught up on all my work, i did my bored routine: check email, organize schedule book, read ksl articles online. and that is when i came across an article that was completely irrelevant to me in pretty much every way, but had the best advice i've ever seen written in there right between it's weird mental person metaphors and countless typos (gotta love that about ksl!). all it said was this:

You can be kind regardless of anything. Anything.

i mean, it really is that simple. isn't it? so i'm probably going to let the grumpy take it's course, but i'm not going to be mean about it.

it's been a good day

I feel like a lot of my good days lately are the result of feeling truly content with where I am in my life. It's been an ongoing struggle since forever, so when I finally feel like I'm right where I need to be, yes, it's a good day.

Maybe it's a little silly, but ever since that beautiful baby boy was born and I officially became an aunt x4, I've been very grateful and humbled and things just seem more important. That little Benny has brought our whole family a lot of blessings. We are all so glad he is here safe and healthy, and that he's as happy and beautiful as we had hoped. Getting a glimpse of motherhood, and just how precious those tiny humans are makes me realize how important life is. And how important it is for me to live my life the right way, right now. I'm not quite ready to me a mama yet, but watching my brother and sister in law figure out parenting and holding that sweet little Blue sure gets me excited about it.

My feelings of contentment usually come in the moments that I'm not doing anything but watching funny sitcoms on the couch with my husband and snugly, sleepy dog, eating brownies and ice cream. I'm glad it can be that simple, and this probably sounds even sillier, because I know, I know. Cooper is a dog. But, sometimes, people say puppies are like babies. And then sometimes I will compare my dog to my friends' kids and I sound and feel ridiculous, but he's as much a part of our little family as any child ever will be, and gosh darn it, I love that little guy. He's the greatest dog, and always so sweet. He makes being a dog mama pretty easy, and maybe it gives me an idea of what an actual baby will be like, in some ways. But I love it. I love spending our Sunday afternoon in the wind and snow with numb toes, just because cooper's in the middle of a major wrestling match with the german short hair at the dog park, and if we throw the ball just a few more times, I'm sure he'll be worn out and sleep while we get things done around the house. And I love tripping over him a hundred times a day, because he wants to be wherever I am. And I love sharing a blanket and a piece of toast with him. He's our little buddy, and honestly? One of the best friends I've ever had. He makes our life pretty grand over. here.

And I love that there is this wonderful man that goes out into the world each day, and he thinks about me. He works and lives a life I don't see much of, but he always comes back to me. He comes home to me. I love that. I love that sweet man I married more than anything in the world and I'm not sure any of the greatness that's been going on lately would be half as enjoyable without him around to share it with. We've made a pretty happy life for ourselves and I wouldn't trade it for a second. So, yes. It's been a good day. (The fact that it's a Monday aside...)

and i move on.

  

photo i took of the tetons in may 2012

it's these days in the dead of winter that are longer and have more daylight that i find my life coming into real perspective.

i don't have much else to focus on, since the below-freezing temperatures give limited options in every category of everything.

but i've realized that when you catch a glimpse of just how big this world really is, and just how small you really are in comparison, life gets better.

i'm just one of these 6.5 billion specs, scattered across this beautiful earth.

and for some reason, when i realize just how small, how minute, how microscopic i really am, in the scheme of things... i feel better.

there are bigger problems.

my struggles are not the end-all.

and things aren't so bad.

things are actually really amazing.

miracles, sometimes.

and i move on.

2012: a review

2012 went by really fast. It was a good year, and a lot happened, but I've got a feeling 2013 will be even better. We have a lot of big plans for this year, and I'm anxious to get started and share more about them soon! Trying to get these photos all in order was a NIGHTMARE so I gave up somewhere between my 4th try and my 3rd diet coke, but I will recap each month at the bottom.

J A N U A R Y :

we took the month of january off, from basically everything. i didn't even blog!

we went shooting with friends

we did a lot of redecorating

devin built a lot of furniture

we went on a ski trip to brian head

sean and kaden had birthdays

F E B R U A R Y :

i quit my job as a nanny and it was one of the saddest days of my life

we did lots of skiing

we got really sick

kyle broke his collarbone when we took him skiing for his birthday

i started working as a legal assistant for a law firm

we spent our first ever time apart (devin went on a backpacking trip with his class at UVU)

M A R C H :

i threw one of my best friends, valeri a baby shower

more skiing

valeri had her baby, a little girl they named Bayli Grey

addison turned 2

A P R I L :

we got iphones

devin started his new job at momentum indoor climbing gym

we traded in the truck (another sad day) for an altima hybird (sad day made better by awesome gas mileage)

M A Y :

we went to joe's valley and did some rock climbing

my cousin nichole got married and we did her photos

devin turned 25

we spent our 1 year anniversary in jackson hole - best trip ever

we did some golfing
mckayla graduated from high school

J U N E :

spent lots of time up tibble fork and AF canyon

my cousin kenzie got married we did her photos

kelli and sean got sealed in the logan temple

the new maple canyon guide book for rock climbing was published, so...

...lots of rock climbing

we golfed

we found out sean and chloe are pregnant (!!!!!)

J U L Y :

i made jam for the first time ever (apricot)

we went on a big backpacking trip in the uinta's with koda and riley

more rock climbing

we golfed some

A U G U S T :

i finally turned 21

i quit my job at myler disability and started working at cascade collision (best job ever)

we went rock climbing with brandon

we did more rock climbing

we said goodbye to the geneva heights 8th ward and our sweet nursery class

we moved to herriman

a little more golfing

kyle performed his first baptism (our cousin, sophia!)

my dad was called as 2nd counselor in a single's ward bishopric

our friends brittany and joe got married (finally! ;)...)

S E P T E M B E R :

we adjusted to / explored herriman

held out for 3 weeks before getting a puppy

cooper consumed our lives, and our camera lenses, apparently (can you blame us?!)

we were in a car accident (no injuries, just to max the mazda!)

O C T O B E R :

we went back to joe's valley for more rock climbing

we went to maple canyon and did some rock climbing

i got an emergency root canal

the wagstaff's moved to vernal and broke our hearts

we spent general conference weekend at strawberry marina with my family

N O V E M B E R :

we hung out with brandon a lot and had several "dog parties"

i cut bangs

we celebrated thanksgiving with both our families

D E C E M B E R :

i baked a lot

we got family photos taken

we celebrated christmas with basically everyone we're related to

we celebrated new year's with kyle, jami and fondue.
kyle got his driver's license

A L S O  I N  2 0 1 2 :

devin grew an awesome beard

ate lots and lots of amazing food (mostly pizza and french fries)

tons of time with those cute babies

lots of slack lining

some visits to cascade springs

lots of fires (it was a hot, dry summer)

we took kayla and kaden on mini-dates

i baked my first ever PIE

tons of cooking

some smashbooking

hostess went out of business (so long, sweet sno-balls)

we spoke in church for the first time

devin sent me flowers

devin saw greg laswell in concert (it was before my 21st birthday and in a 21+ venue)

we saw cory mon play in the pouring rain (still amazing as ever)