an understatement

being engaged is a different experience for everyone.


for me... it's been interesting. the first few weeks... i planned everything. i think it took 3 weeks to have everything planned out. of course, it took longer to sort out details and accumulate things, but i had it all planned in 3 weeks tops.


i was on an engagement high-- dev and i were practically famous, and it was so much fun. we make such a good team in putting together our wedding, and we've been privileged to have everything we wanted for our day. we were so productive... too productive really.. and have had about a month to rack our brains for more things to do! i can't complain about that though, because we now have all sorts of cool things. and a really cute house...


once that initial shock wore off... it just started to stress me out. not in a bad way, just that i always felt rushed and overwhelmed, but i've kept you fairly updated, and you're well aware that devin did more than he had to in order to keep me grounded. and succeeded.


for the past month or so, it's just been hard. i see devin every single day, but i can never seem to get enough time with him. and it got worse once he moved into our house. it has been so frustrating for me to leave at night... to leave my home and my almost-husband... it's killer! the second i'm out the door, i miss him terribly, and count down the hours until i get to see him next.


i just feel so anxious. i am so ready to be katie ashby. to be his wife. to call him my husband. to be sealed. to celebrate our marriage at our reception. to honeymoon where it's warm. i just want it. it almost feels like it somehow should have just already happened or something. being with devin, being married to him, feels so natural to me, that it's almost like that's the way it already is.


but i realized something tonight... and i'm surprised i hadn't realized it before...


once we are married... i will see him even more. i will make him dinner every night, and he'll come home from work to a clean house and a happy wife. we'll live the kind of life that i've dreamed of since a little girl. i won't have to say goodnight and walk out the door anymore... i'll get to say goodnight and climb into bed!


and knowing that once we're married, i get that kind of time with him.... makes it worth the wait. knowing the kind of future we have ahead of us, the plans we've made, the opportunities that will come, the blessing that will pour... all of that is so worth waiting for to me.


i have an entire eternity to spend as his wife. our eternity started a long time ago... but i know i can wait. i know it is worth it to be patient and let things happen in order to get to that point.


and that's okay :)


i'm not necessarily any less anxious, but i do feel like i'm more calm.


but even just thinking about the amazing opportunity that i have been blessed with to play such a huge part in devin's life, as his eternal companion, his confidant, his best friend, his wife... it makes me excited, but in a calm way. it humbles me a lot. i've said a million times that it was no easy task finding him, and getting through everything that i've been through in the past year... but i'd do it all again, now that i know what's waiting here in the end.


i wish there were words for this kind of feeling. i was talking to a friend earlier this week about how once you're married (or this close to being married)... the meaning of life changes. you have a whole new perspective. you live for so much more. your entire life takes on a much greater purpose. it is incredible, and there is absolutely no way to describe it until you can feel it for yourself. you are living for another person, you are motivated to completely by that love you feel for them. it is nothing that can ever be explained in words.


i think it's when you get to the point where you can't explain your feelings, because they are too big and grand... that you know you are in love.


i also think... that devin and i reached that point a long time ago.


and we were going to wait until november! psh! hahaha


i feel like i've come to this understanding that "love" is very, very misused in our society. either that, or there is no word for what i feel for that man. because the way we view love, and the way we use it, so casually... does not do these feelings justice in the least. it is something much, much greater than i believe i will ever be able to comprehend in this life. and i am okay with that. i just want him to know, at least. as if he doesn't already :) the best part, though, is that i know without a doubt that he feels the exact same way. i have never once second-guessed that his feelings for me are just as intense.


dev... saying "i love you" to you.... is an understatement.


thank you for being the best future husband a woman could ever hope or dream for. you truly amaze me. i only wish i had the words to tell you how much.