to let time pass

it's not often that I have a lot to say, but when the house is empty and quiet, my thoughts really can't help themselves. and as nice as watching endless episodes of Friends is... it's just not cutting it tonight.

there is a lot going on right now. in life, in my mind. it feels like it's not something I'll ever catch up to. not necessarily in a bad way. it just sort of seems like we're in limbo. past events are well over: we've been married for a year, we have a nice place and steady jobs. no recent climatic things we're still catching our breath from. and then there's now: sort of a broken record kind of phase. mostly because there is so much going on in the near and distance future: buying a house, getting a dog, getting careers, having kids... it's a lot to look forward to, and i can't wait.

but it stresses me out! i feel like I'm getting impatient for things, even when I know that now is not the time. when i can feel that it's not time yet for those things. as much as i covet homeowners and dog owners and happily employed career women and mothers... it's just not time! but I still feel this sense of urgency to reach that point? is this just me? I'm going nuts! i feel like it's not happening as fast as it should, maybe. but i also know and feel like we're progressing just like we should. it's a lot to handle all at once, especially when I'm thinking about these things all the time. i wish i could just have it explained to me sometimes.

i feel like I'm at this spot in a book where I want so badly to ask someone who knows how it ends to tell me, so I can feel better, and stop feeling anxious - but I don't want to ruin the rest of the story. i don't want to spoil the ending. i like being surprised. it's harder than i thought, though. to wait. to let time pass. to save money. to advance in our schooling and jobs. to have a clearer idea of where we are, where we are going and where we want to end up. more answers, less wondering.

via